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have?’ ‘Will my Club Card work at Sainsbury’s?’ ‘I didn’t have my card with me last month – can you add my points?’ and so on.) That really would be a shame.

CLOSING TIME AND OPENING TIME – WHAT FUN!
    â€˜We would like to inform customers that the store will be closing in fifteen minutes. Please make your way to the tills. Have a nice evening.’
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    8.45 p.m.: Panic buying. Customers go mad. There’s not a minute to lose. People start running all over the place.
    And bang! Trolleys collide with each other.
    Crash! The chocolate-box pyramid falls down.
    â€˜Damn it, they’ve already packed up the green beans!’
    Thud! Chuck the butter, milk, cheese and yoghurts in the trolley … and never mind the rest.
    â€˜Why are they closing so early? Lazy so and sos!’
    8.55 p.m.: The music from the speakers stops.
    â€˜Quick, get to the till!’
    Only three tills still open. A few minutes to wait in the queue. ‘You’ll have time to get some pasta while I wait!’
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    9 p.m.: The security grating at the entrance starts to close.
    Right, the last customer has gone through. Oh no! Here’s another one running over, out of breath.
    The lights start to go out.
    That’s it, the day really is over.
    You let out a little sigh of relief, followed almost immediately by a cry of amazement. Who is that in the biscuits aisle? There’s a trolley, right at the end … a couple is wandering up as if they have all the time in the world. You can tell from their attitude that they don’t intend to head to the tills yet. But sparks are going to fly – the security guard has spotted them too.
    But no! He’s the one who is shouted at. The couple get angry. You can hear raised voices. The lady’s face is all red.
    After a good five minutes the argument stops and the couple follow the security guard, irritated. You think he’s won. But suddenly, when they are only a few feet away from your till, the husband turns around and dashes back to get that packet of biscuits. A matter of life or death,apparently. The woman continues to push her trolley slowly, looking you straight in the eyes.
    Their time at the till is spent being slow and verbally abusive.
    One item scanned, one insult thrown at you (‘It’s a scandal, we’re your best customers. We have the right to take our time to choose!’). One item scanned, one insult thrown at you (‘Don’t go so fast, are you stupid or something?’). One item scanned, one insult thrown at you … And their trolley is full.
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    9.25 p.m.: The couple leave your till. All the lights are out except yours, like a lighthouse fighting the wind and waves. You have been on overtime for twenty-five minutes. It’s unpaid but you can claim it back in leave when management feels like it. Smile – the couple come back at least twice a month and always at the same time. But hey, the next time they come at closing time you won’t be there, it’ll be your day off, you lucky thing!
    I have one piece of advice: buy a punchball!
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    But isn’t life great? There is also an opening-time version of this couple. And the countdown starts early!
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    8.25 a.m., 35 minutes before opening: Their car arrives in the car park. They are the first. They beam with pride.They can park in the best place, just in front of the entrance. The first victory of the day. Quick, there’s no time to lose: get the best trolley (sparkling clean inside and with no squeaky wheels).
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    30 minutes before opening: They are in position, the front of their trolley is touching the entrance barrier. It has started to rain. They have forgotten their umbrella. But they won’t wait in the car and risk having their place stolen when a second car arrives! The second victory of the day.
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    15 minutes before opening: They are soaked through but still the first of more than … six people. So that makes six