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when they are alone and only pay in cash.
    And of course, not to mention (OK, I will then) the customer whose DVD doesn’t scan properly so that everyone can hear you ask, ‘DVD aisle please, Till 5 would like to know the price of Debbie Does Dallas .’ And I’d like to see the expression on your face when that happens.
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    Ah, so many unforgettable experiences await you!

I’M HUNGRY!  
    At lunchtime you often see customers using their lunch break to do their shopping but you also see others (and it could be the same ones) just tucking in there and then. The supermarket starts to look like a self-service café. And some customers a little like pigs.
    Maybe it could be a new retail concept.
    Imagine having this lot at your till:
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    Customer 1: He’s in the process of devouring his tuna and mayo sandwich – noisily with his mouth wide open so that you can see everything inside (hey, where are the gherkins?). You ask him if you can borrow his sandwich for a second to scan the price. You have to wait for him to bite another piece off before he hands it to you and hetakes it back almost immediately. Mind your fingers. He pays and thanks you with some incomprehensible words accompanied by pieces of tuna and bread which land on your conveyor belt. Wonderful, you get to use your paper towel and cleaning products sooner than you’d planned. But watch out: mayonnaise is slippery.
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    Customer 2: He puts his items on your belt, including a packet of crisps, which you pick up. They spray all over your till because he hasn’t thought it necessary to warn you that he has already opened the packet. On the other hand, he does find it necessary to shout at you (just what you need) and demand another packet of crisps. While he goes to get them, best to give your till a quick clean. And never mind if your hands are all greasy, they’ll go with your conveyor belt which is already well coated.
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    Customer 3: You’ve noticed him in the queue and already feel ill. You’ve seen him unwrap a family-sized Camembert and bite straight into it. When it’s his turn he has already finished it. How can he have gobbled it all down at such speed? The smell is making you gag. And it will hang around long after the customer has gone.
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    Customer 4: This one shouts at you because you want to make her pay for the bottle of fruit juice she drank and leftbeside the till. It’s true of course and you should never forget it: checkout girls are meant to be blind and stupid.
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    The lunch period requires nerves of steel and a strong stomach. But you’ll soon get used to it and the sight of customers who eat in the aisles will no longer revolt you. One less thing to scan, you’ll tell yourself.
    Is it time for your lunch now? Bon appétit!

MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE – A VERITABLE GOLD MINE!
    I admire those customers (mostly female) who only buy the store’s bargains and nothing else. Maybe it’s their revenge for ever-rising prices and the feeling that they are being squeezed dry.
    This kind of customer has an iron will. She has a long detailed shopping list and never allows herself to be tempted by anything that is not on special offer. Standing in front of the cheese counter, she would like to buy Camembert, but only Roquefort is covered by the money-back guarantee. Neither she nor her husband like it much but never mind, she takes it anyway. Four of them. Same thing for the fruit yoghurts – only the strawberry flavour is eligible for the refund guarantee and her son hatesstrawberry. She gets it anyway. ‘Strawberry flavour or no pudding.’
    She also plans ahead: the family-sized washing powder – ‘Not satisfied? Money-back guarantee.’ Five packets. ‘It will always come in handy. There are three of us at home.’ The same thing for the flour – thirty points on your loyalty card. Ten packets. ‘There’ll be some left over