Caught in Transition Read Online Free PDF

had never had anyone come in to change their gender marker before. The counter person had to find the big book of rules and then had to run it by her boss. When they finally came down to discovering their special rule, they said “yes we can do that.” They took a new picture of me and two weeks later I received the new driver’s license with the female gender marker shown on it.  

    ME: That must have made you feel good.  

    SHEELAGH: Yes it did. I felt a bit triumphant and affirmed.  
    I had to go to a different counter for the social insurance number change. There they basically just took all the information, typed it in and gave me a new card.  

    ME: That was it?  

    SHEELAGH: That was it - they didn't ask me a single question. It was very easy, so on two government records I felt that I became a woman that day.  

    ME: What about your health card?  

    SHEELAGH: I took a form into Service Canada and they sent me a new card. The passport I changed in Whitby, and it went very smoothly. The credit cards were easy to change because no gender or picture were shown on the cards.  

    ME: When you were changing these cards did you ever think they were looking at you funny or judging you?  

    SHEELAGH: I was going to do it so it made no difference what faces they made or reactions they had. I did have butterflies in my stomach with everyone I talked to. The first bank I changed my accounts with was the Royal Bank and they were pretty good. I went to the one in Bowmanville and filled in many forms, I felt awkward but I was treated with respect. The TD bank was great to deal with as well. On the phone I had a little difficulty because some of the places I called to change my name insisted on calling me Sir, but when they typed in the new name and clicked the button, they began calling me Ma'am - because in their mind until that button was pushed they were still talking to a man because the computer told them they were.  

    ME: Were you feeling more anxiety having to deal with all the legalities, or more freedom because you were getting closer to being the real you?  

    SHEELAGH: It was definitely the freedom, because that happiness was carrying me forward and energizing me while I went through the huge list of everything that had to be changed, because there were probably about sixty places where my name had to be changed. I thought there were only ten or fifteen. I made a spreadsheet and wrote down all the places and it was a bit harrowing. It took most of November 2011 to get to the point where all the notifications had been given.  

    ME: How did you learn how to dress like a woman?  

    SHEELAGH: That was something I knew by my twenties so I probably picked that up in my early teens from magazines, catalogs and television. It was a matter of imitating and experimenting.  

    ME: So you learned how to do make up just by looking at pictures?  

    SHEELAGH: Yeah, that and experimenting with makeup.  

    ME: How did you learn how to behave as a woman in this society?  

    SHEELAGH: That's probably a matter of imitation as well. I spent a lot more time with women when I was small, and a lot of it was observing women without judgment and just absorbing it and running it through my mind. It was also a matter of recognizing that I had a womanliness within myself, so a big part of that behaviour thing wasn't so much layering something on, as much as letting the masculine part go. It was a process of dismantling the outer shell and behaving like a woman which quickly became natural.  

    ME: So once the male body armour was gone, what fears if any do you have now as a woman that you didn't have as a man?  

    SHEELAGH: I still feel pretty confident. In a way there's an exclusion where there's mostly males - like in the workplace - I'm never going to be one of the boys. I thought about it and I realized I never have been. Other males saw me as Steve, as one of them, but I was not seeing myself as one of them. I didn't relate