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to be with him, whatever it takes.
    Then he la id back on the bed and smiled. “Jump on it.”
    I didn ’t know what to do. I don’t know how to jump on it. “Do you have a condom?”
    He shook his head. “See that’s what I’m talking about. You ruin a special moment between us with trivial bullshit. You don’t love me or you’d show me that you really love me. Becca out there loves me and she has no problem showing me that she loves me.” He zipped up his pants. “You just don’t love me enough so I am done with you.”
    I watched him stuff his junk back into his pants and then he left. He went out to Becca.
    Dylan was at the door when I got out there. I was crying so hard that I didn ’t want to go out at all. By the time I got out to the living room Ben and Becca were already making out on the couch.
    Ben looked over at me a nd smiled. “Becca loves me more than you ever did.”
    She laughed at me and pulled him down on top of her.
    I ran out the door crying. I hate crying. I just can ’t stop crying. I love Ben. Why didn’t I just do it? I should have showed him that I loved him. He needed it, he needed to see how much I loved him. I love him more than that Becca bitch ever will. What am I supposed to do now? Can I still get him back? I want to get him back… I love him.
     
     
    Sept 3
    I didn’t go to school today. I told my mom that I had bad cramps and couldn’t go. She said that I could stay home and she went to work. Mom was going to take the day off work and stay home with me but she said that they needed the money. I didn’t really want her to stay home anyway. I know she would just try to talk to me all day. I don’t want to talk to her. I can’t tell her what’s going on with me and Ben. She would freak out. I’d be grounded for sure!
    Dylan called me at lunch to make sure I was okay. I told him I was, but that I just couldn ’t face Ben today. Dylan was really nice and told me that Ben didn’t deserve me. He asked if I wanted to hang out with him and Jess tonight. I don’t have anything else to do but sit around here and cry so I said yes.
    Dylan picked me up at the corner. We went to his house . Jess was already there. She grabbed me a beer and sat down next to me on the couch. She put her arm around me and said it was gonna be okay. Jess was a good friend to me… so was Dylan. He was so sweet. I appreciate them.
    They were Ben ’s friends but they were still nice to me after all this. I guess they are my friends now too. Dylan even admitted that it wasn’t right what Ben was doing and how he was treating me. Dylan understood it, so why didn’t Ben see what he was doing?
    Paige and Missy would be all high and mighty if I tried to talk to them about any of this. They would say, “I told you so.” I just don’t want to hear that shit right now. Dylan and Jess were like my only real friends now. They understand what I am going through. I’m glad that I have them to talk to…
     
    Dylan grabbed his parents stash and rolled a big joint. I really wanted to get high and forget all about this week. Try to forget about Ben if I could. Dylan gave me a shotgun. I have never had one before. He put the lit end of the joint in his mouth and blew the smoke out backwards into my mouth. A lot of smoke came out. I took it all. I didn’t choke or gag this time. I’m sick of being a kid and playing it safe. I wanted to get really high and I did.
    Jess went to pick up a pizza for us. Dyla n stayed behind and rolled another joint. I didn’t care. I liked the way it made me feel. I felt free. I forgot about Ben and I laughed for the first time in days. Dylan gave me a shotgun again; a long deep one.
    Then he told me to give it back to him. He put his lips right in front of mine and I blew the smoke back into his mouth. Then he kissed me. He caught me off guard and I didn’t expect it. But it was nice. It was soft and sweet like he understood that I needed kindness. He was a good kisser. But