Burley Cross Postbox Theft Read Online Free PDF

27 Elendon Lane, Marston Green, Birmingham (I’ve taken a lucky punt). Please, please,
please
don’t accidentally tip it out of the envelope and lose the damn thing all over again (you silly goose!).
    I must confess that it was little short of a miracle that Peter found it (Peter Bramwell – the First Shepherd – tall, grey-haired chappie with the lazy eye who Lilian kept hectoring all night for cracking his knuckles. I
do
think Lilian was slightly out of line, there – and I could tell you did, too, by the way you kept sighing and rolling your eyes every time she opened her mouth – but I don’t know
why
he persists in doing it, I really don’t. It’s perfectly
maddening
. Is it any wonder Rita’s losing her marbles?! I mean wouldn’t
you
under the circumstances?!).
    He said it was lying in the middle of the rubber karate mat,directly in front of one of the needlework exhibits; not ‘Our Feathered Friends’, but ‘Burley Cross Entwined’, the large display detailing the complex – and somewhat tumultuous – relationship between Burley Cross and our French twin, Olonzac (it’s an awfully good title, don’t you think? In
-twine
-d/ en-twin-ed? Of course we have Shoshana Baverstock to thank for that; it’s nice to know she’s getting
something
constructive done as she lounges around, completely starkers, in that fancy ‘sunroom’ of hers all day long, eh?!).
    The earring looks a bit wonky, now, I’m afraid. I’m not sure if Peter didn’t accidentally step on it before he picked it up. I’ve done my best to wrangle it back into position, and I don’t think I’ve done
too
bad a job…
    As luck would have it, gold is one of the earth’s most malleable metals (or so Peter informed me as he passed it over. It seems he used to be a metallurgist!
Imagine?!
When he told me I said, ‘Oh! A
metallurgist!
Congratulations!’ – I was still dizzy with the Jesus news. He just scowled and barked, ‘It’s nothing you need to congratulate me for!’ then stalked off [?!]).
    In fact – now I come to ponder on it – I remember passing you that apron to wear while you were standing and inspecting the exhibit before we handed out the teas (Sally Trident’s pit pony
did
look like a Stegosaurus! I told her exactly the same thing myself!). I can only imagine it popped out when you dragged it on over your head.
    OH
MY GOD
, Jess! I
CAN’T BELIEVE
SHE’S FOUND HIM!! As soon as Duncan gets off the internet (he’s doing some last-minute research for his OU thesis on the primitive fabric dyes they used in the Bayeux tapestry) I’m going straight online to try and find his MySpace page! ‘Kieren Knowles: professional actor!’
I LITERALLY CAN’T WAIT
!!!!
    And the look on Meredith’s
face
, Jess! It was a
classic!
An absolute
picture!
I just kept going on and on and
on
at her! I came at her from all angles. Will he be a blond Christ,Meredith, or a brunette, because I
know
brunette Christs are all the vogue these days – and very P.C. – but I can’t help thinking a blond would be so incredibly
romantic
… What age will he be, Meredith? Jesus died at thirty-three, but will you be strict and insist on
absolute
numerical parity?
    By the end I was just babbling any old nonsense at her: ‘Will he have his own teeth, Meredith? Won’t he mind dreadfully working with a bunch of amateurs? Will he be tall? Over six three? Will he speak with a northern accent? What if he has a tattoo? Must he be a believer? Will he be circumcised?’
    Turns out (and this was a total bolt from the blue): HE’S PLAYED JESUS BEFORE!!
    Meredith was just starting to fill me in on all the finer details (his hair is brown, almost black, his eyes are ‘a fine, cornflower blue’ …) when Seb came barrelling over. ‘Of course he’s played Jesus
before,’
he says, all droll and self-satisfied. ‘He’s quite the pro, apparently – he just has “the Jesus look”.’
    Well, my jaw literally
dropped!
‘
THE JESUS LOOK
!?’
    As I’m