Brain Droppings Read Online Free PDF Page B

one I almost went through with. I was gonna get my nipples tattooed as radio dials: “volume” and “tuning.” And the hair in the middle of my chest was gonna be the speaker. For stereo, I’d raise my arms. Armpit speakers!
    I guess the most popular tattoo of all time is MOM. A lot of guys get MOM. No one ever gets POP. You know why? Cause you can’t read POP in the mirror. In a mirror, MOM comes out MOM. POP comes out “909.” What the fuck is that?
    If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says “Mom.” Also, later on if you’re havin’ sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, “Wow!”
    Here’s another good one for guys: at the top of your inner thigh, next to your groin, you put, “In case of emergency, pull handle.” Or get your penis tattooed to resemble a candy
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    cane. Great for Christmas blow jobs. But be very careful not to let the tattoo guy bend your penis into a J shape.
    Get the words, “tote bag” tattooed on your scrotum. Or “Bloomingdale’s” might be good. “Cartier” would be more appropriate; a little hairy pouch for your precious jewels.
    How about a tattoo of the Three Stooges peering into your asshole? Or a serpent coming out? Or a nice tattoo of Madonna with her hand up your ass? Here’s a good one for right next to your asshole: “No gerbils!” Or, “Gerbils welcome.” Depending on what puts a smile on your face.
    Here would be a great tattoo for right in the middle of your forehead: “I have colored ink in my skin!” Or, “Your message here. Fifty cents.” How about, “Yeah, it’s a tattoo, you miserable prick! Right in the middle of my forehead. If you don’t like it, suck my dick!” This will really keep you from having to deal with that bothersome job market.
    And here’s a solution to an age old tattoo problem. If your girlfriend’s name, say, “Suzie,” is tattooed on your arm, and you break up with her, don’t have the tattoo removed. Just have the tattoo reworked so it says, “Fuck Suzie.”
    By the way, you don’t actually have to do all these things; they’re just suggestions. Think them over first. Sit down, have six or seven vodkas, and give them a few seconds thought.
    Besides, you wanna know something? Tattoos are passe. They’re yesterday’s thing. I’m lookin’ for the next big thing in body decoration. And I think I may have it.
    Everyone’s skin has imperfections. It’s unavoidable. Pockmarks, wrinkles, bullet holes, scars, blotches, stab wounds, cysts, warts, needle holes, acne pits, enlarged pores.
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GEORGE C A R L I N
I think people should see these imperfections and disfigure-h ments as positive things. Flaws and defects can actually be forms of decoration.
    Take moles, God’s punctuation marks. Moles are great, and they can be useful if you want a really interesting look.
b The only problem is they’re usually randomly placed; they don’t represent anything. I think plastic surgeons should
\ offer a new service: rearranging people’s moles. Think of your moles as fashion accessories. “God, look at all the moles that guy has!” “Yes, and aren’t they nicely arranged?” There are lots of things you can do with moles: make the double helix, do a happy Hitler face, spell out the name of your bowling team. And how about moles with velcro, so you
4 could change your look every day? Here’s something novel. Choose a good size mole on your arm, and tattoo little legs sticking out of the sides. People will constantly be trying to shoo the “bug” off your arm. It’s great for picking up girls.
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    Next, body-piercing. Now, the piercing movement is off to a good start, and I like the idea behind it: self-esteem through self-mutiliation.