Brain Droppings Read Online Free PDF

continent, either.
“C’mon, we’re goin’ to Utah.”
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C A R L I N
“Why?”
“Joe Smith said that’s where we’re supposed to be.” “Well, I’m gonna finish this crossword. Why drop me a postcard.”
    In ancient times, the rulers had magnificent names. Alexander the Great. Suppose he had been a less impt^w figure, do you think he would have been called Alex;m^er the Marginal? As it is, he had his detractors. You know, peo_ pie who called him Alexander the Scumbag.
    History has given us other impressive names from si times: Edward the Fair, Charles the Bold, Catherine the These days, they would be Edward the Abuse Victim, Cnaries the Underachiever, and Catherine the Recovering Codepei^^
    And let’s not forget the historical figures we never htar of. Tiberius the Wanker and Lucretius the Dog Fucker. Guys like ^at
    And I’m sure history would not be the same if certajn names had been slightly different. For example, Worl^ II would have ended much more quickly if we had^ fighting a guy named Skip Hitler.
    Suppose there had been a really outstanding eighteentn_ century composer who was better than Beethoven, Bacn an(j Mozart combined. But his name was Joey the Cocksucl^j. rj0 you think he would be famous today? “And now, fcugene Ormandy conducts the Philadelphia Orchestra as th&y per_ form the Requiem Mass in C-sharp Minor, composed fyy joev the Cocksucker.”
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    Some names are embarrassing. We had a guy neighborhood, Michael Hunt, who called himself
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because the only alternative was Mike Hunt. Of course, some (j| other names are just plain dirty: “Hi, I’m Peter Ball, and this is Dick Cox. We’re friends of Randy Bush.”
Some people have funny names. They can’t help it, but
it’s hard to keep from laughing when a guy named Elmo
b Zipaloonie introduces you to his friend El Cunto Prickolini.
And if you want funny, you can’t beat farmers with names
k like Orville Pigdicker and Hooter Stumpfuck.
    Speaking of funny names, do you realize Howdy Doody’s mother and father are known as the Doodys? And Bo Diddley’s parents are the Diddleys? How would you like to be at a party and have to introduce the Doodys to the Diddleys? And keep a straight face? “Mr. and Mrs. Doody, I’d like you to meet Mr. 6 and Mrs. Diddley. Mr. Doody, Mr. Diddley; Mrs. Diddley, Mrs. Doody. Mr. Doody, Mrs. Diddley; Mr. Diddley, Mrs. Doody. The Doodys, the Diddleys; the Diddleys, the Doodys.” Jesus!
    Then, just as you Finish all of that, in walks Bo Diddley’s brother, Dudley Diddley, and his sisters, Dottie Diddley, Dodie Diddley, and Didi Diddley. And Howdy Doody’s sis-% ters, Judy Doody and Trudy Doody. I’d never get through it all. I’d be leanin’ over the punchbowl, thinkin’, “Please, God, don’t let Rootie Kazootie show up.”
    In Hawaii, I once had the pleasure of meeting Don Ho (H and his lovely wife, Heidi. Plus his three brothers, Gung, Land, and Hy.
    Hospitals often name a new facility after the person who makes the major donation. I grew up with a neighborhood guy who is now extremely wealthy, and I’m hoping someday
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    wanna
    drive past the hospi- |
    artist currently *no«? astt^ ^ ,e
Chestnut Street, but you
They have Walnut Street ^ ^^s wrong
-Lt thev don’t have? PeanuWouldn’t you
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    ”. ..rftv, a hard-on
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    the thing never comes off, but it hurts to put it on, and you gotta pay the guy. Plus if you do wanna take it off, it hurts again, and you gotta pay the guy again.
    Another reason not to get a tattoo is that a tattoo is positive identification. No one should ever do anything to help the police. In any way. Especially when you may be the object of their interest.
    So I never got a tattoo. But I had some good ideas. I was gonna get dotted lines tattooed on all my joints, wherever I bend. With little instructions: “Fold here.” “Do not glue.”
I also thought about gettin’ a necklace of hickeys.
    Here’s