Bill 7 - the Galactic Hero Read Online Free PDF Page A

the cranium getting through the tight spaces, Bill was being strapped into the debriefing chair. A debriefing technician taped electrodes to Bill's skull and genitals, and another used what appeared to be a small machete to take a cell sample.
    The General hulked in one corner muttering to himself. Bill could hear him, but if he turned to look, the electrodes kicked in with a blast of voltage. The more he turned, the more sizzling the electrodes became. Staring straight ahead proved to be a much better idea.
    “So, Trooper,” General Weissearse smarmed cordially, “how long have you been a spy for the Chingers?”
    “Not very long, sir.” Bill jumped as the technicians gave him a little shot. “I mean of course I'm not a spy at all. Death to all Chingers! Look in my record — the only Chinger I ever saw alive was one I met in boot camp.” He twitched again. “I hate all Chingers!” This time they didn't give him a jolt, so he got bolder. “Could someone tell me where I am?”
    “Don't you know, Trooper? Weren't you sent here by the Chingers to worm your way into our confidence and sabotage our plans?”
    “Look at my helmet! It's Imperial issue, standard stuff!” Bill yelped, anticipating his next shot of electricity. “Look at my underwear!”
    “Don't be disgusting, Trooper.”
    “No, really, I'm as loyal as any Trooper!”
    The General snorted. “So you admit being disloyal?”
    “Yow!” Bill jerked from the jolt. “No, no! I love the Emperor! I love the Empress! I love all the Emperor's sisters and his cousins and his aunts! His sisters and his cousins and his aunts!”
    General Weissearse turned to one of the technicians. “Raise the voltage. He must be lying, trying the old song ploy.” He loomed flabbily over Bill on the table. “You know that there is nothing to be gained by lying — other than my displeasure,” he thundered. “The Lord will bring the truth to light in the end!”
    “Would that be Ahura Mazda?” Bill asked.
    “God is on our side!” roared the man in the muumuu. “It is only right that we help him out with a few electrodes. Besides, it's better that you suffer a little here and come to the truth than that you suffer the eternal pains of damnation later. Right?”
    “Of course, sir. Right. Only the truth?” Bill smiled broadly and falsely. “You let me know what it is, I'll say it, and everybody's satisfied? OK? Yeow!” he yeowed as a blast of current fried him.
    “Wrong answer, Trooper. You don't understand.” Weissearse shook his head sadly and his jowls joggled. “You must unburden yourself of the truth freely, without prompting or duress. Raise the voltage again. Jolt him if he lies. Report, Trooper!”
    Bill looked around for help. A couple of bored technicians were standing, scratching their crotches as they took in all the excitement. One was at the electric controls that were frying Bill. The other was staring at a screen and waiting for the computer to spew out its response to Bill's tissue sample. They started talking quietly — which involved more crotch scratching — about their plans for the evening, which weren't much since they were stuck on a small ship in the middle of nowhere. All of which did not help Bill in the slightest. This was a situation that called for daring, creativity, and imagination. Unfortunately, Bill was completely devoid of all three qualities. “Yeow!” He was also running out of time.
    As quickly as he could, he cobbled something together out of the most recent literature he could remember reading. He knew that Generals generally liked complicated stories, so he worked out a story involving three brothers named Karamazov, a desert planet with gigantic worms, a Japanese prince named Genji, a robot detective who looked like a man, and a great white whale. He wasn't sure where the whale came from, but the rest were from recent issues of Superlative Six Superhero Comix.
    But General Weissearse was destined never to hear this