Bill 7 - the Galactic Hero Read Online Free PDF

epic tale of military logic and excuse-making. Just as Bill began — “Call me Bill” — the computer chimed and began to print out a long, long scroll of paper.
    “Aha!” The General pounced, and was reading before the paper had finished coming out of the wall slot. “Your real name is Bill, isn't it?”
    “I just said that, didn't I?”
    “There's no use denying it. Your DNA doesn't lie. I know who you are. I have your complete service record here, Bill. And a pretty darned impressive record it is, too. 974 citations for drinking on duty. 63 promotions, including a field commission. 62 demotions. Aren't you embarrassed to wear the uniform of the Imperial Space Troopers?”
    “Yes, you're right, I am,” Bill sobbed. “Expel me from the corps. I am not worthy.”
    “It's not that easy, Trooper. Let's see. You have a fusetender's rating. Your last assignment — I'm impressed. You volunteered for the commandos.”
    “I was proud to do it for my Emperor and my General, my General,” Bill fawned. “Yeow!”
    “Knock off that voltage!” the General ordered the electroshock technician. “It looks like you're the only survivor of your mission. One survivor — a tremendous success. I'm impressed, which is pretty darned rare. You're the first Trooper in four years who has survived one of Captain Cadaver's missions. That shows initiative. Or luck. Or the fact that you are a Chinger spy.”
    He read further down the list, and stopped in shock. “Praise the Lord!” His eyes glowed as he looked at Bill. “God is on our side!” the General enthused. "Working in mysterious ways his wonders to perform. And working only on our side because all Chingers are dirty atheists!
    “You, Bill, are the answer to my prayers!”
    Bill looked around. He didn't get any electrical shocks, but he didn't get any enlightenment, either. “What prayers? What answer?”
    “Untie this man!” Weissearse ordered. “This Trooper is a galactic hero!”
    “That's me all right,” Bill said as he was helped to his feet. “Bill, the Galactic Hero. You can look on the cover if you don't believe it.”
    “No need to do that,” the General said, "it's all right here in his service record. This man was decorated by the Emperor himself! He wasn't even trained as a gunner, but in great and terrible battle against the Chingers he saved his ship, the great Fanny Hill, mistress of the Imperial fleet. Defeat was imminent, disaster was at hand, the very fate of civilization as we know it hung in the balance, but he shot down the last of the vile Chinger attackers. Without training!
    “It can only have been the very hand of God in action!”
    Embarrassed by the novelty of kind words Bill scuffed his Swiss Army Foot on the floor. “Maybe, but really — it was just a lucky shot.”
    “There is no luck,” Weissearse thundered. "Only the divine and mysterious intervention of the Lord Himself can possibly have been responsible for this! Bill, here, must be one of those protected by God's divine love? And he has been sent to us for a purpose!
    “Get him some pants.”
    Half an hour later Bill found himself in a fresh uniform, sipping fresh water and trying to pretend it was vodka, and listening to General Weissearse and trying to pretend that the General made any kind of sense at all.
    “Do you have any questions, Trooper Bill?”
    “Questions?” Bill frowned with unaccustomed thought. “Once maybe. This ship looked just like a space spider when I bumped into that. I never saw a ship like that before. Was that a dream?”
    The General chuckled benevolently. “No, Bill. I had this scout ship designed to look like a space spider, so it would be harder for the enemy to find us.”
    “But there are no such things as space spiders,” Bill protested.
    “Precisely,” the General explained. "So there is nothing designed to detect them, and we are perfectly safe. The Lord helps those who help themselves, after all.
    “And it is important that this