Beyond Deserving Read Online Free PDF

her face against the slats and making long red marks on her forehead. She tried to see what was unique about her child. What made her Rhea and not some other baby. Fisher had asked her, “Do you think she looks like me? Like you?” He said he wished they had taken photographs. Katie said Rhea looked like a baby.
    In the morning, Katie woke to a terrible taut pain in her breasts. The front of her nightgown was soaked. She looked out the window. It was late morning. No one had waked her to feed Rhea. She went into the kitchen and found her mother giving the baby a bottle. She had gouged a bigger hole in the nipple, and was giving Rhea a pasty cereal. Katie saw, on the counter, a cereal box and a case of formula. It was that easy. The oozing cereal ran down Rhea’s chin and over the front of her bib. Katie turned away and poured herself a cup of coffee. She poured the cream carelessly, the cup was too full. The kitchen was noisy and bright; things hummed and clicked and bubbled. Katie bent over to slurp from the cup.
    Her mother came into Katie’s room after lunch. The window was still dark. Her mother raised the blinds brusquely and stood at the foot of the bed facing Katie. The sky had turned the gray of a boat hull, and it was getting cold.
    â€œI’ll keep Rhea if you want,” her mother said. Katie had been expecting a comment about the weather. “I’m not very old, I’m healthy, money’s not a problem. I’m not desperate for someone else to take care of, I don’t think it’s a neurotic impulse. I think I’m thinking of the baby, though I must say a child is a sweet commitment in the early years.”
    Katie said nothing. Her scalp was on fire. An hour later her mother came back. “If you do leave the child, it has to be something legal, a guardianship. I won’t take her for a while, and love her the way I would, and then have you come through on your way to Timbuktu and take her away.” Katie looked at her mother with open, sullen hatred. “Think about it,” her mother said gently. “For the baby’s sake?”
    The next morning, Katie was up and dressed by eight. Christine fluttered around her, pouring coffee for her, but her mother acted as though nothing were different. A day like other days. June was sitting on a chair by the kitchen table with the baby on her lap. “I bought a portable playpen for the shop,” she said, more to Christine than to Katie. “I thought Rhea would enjoy being around people.” Katie said maybe she could help. She heard how stupid that sounded. “I don’t mean with Rhea. I mean with the shop.”
    â€œThis wouldn’t be a good week,” June said. “Maybe next week. I’d enjoy showing you the store. I have a couple of women who sew up a few of my designs, did I ever tell you?” She stood up and handed Rhea to Katie. “So now she’s been fed,” she said, and went to get dressed. Katie dangled the baby over one arm and carried her coffee in the other hand, and went into the other room. It seemed a baby wasn’t much trouble, if there weren’t other things to take your attention.
    Uncle Dayton was in his place in the recliner. He was dressed in aged gabardine pants and a plaid shirt. “Morning there!” he bellowed. Katie didn’t know if he could tell who had entered the room. All the vision he had was enough to see objects as blocks against the light. “Bring me that little one to pet,” he said, and when Katie did, he was surprised. “So it’s you this morning, is it?” he said. Katie saw how long the days would be, if she started them all so early.

7
    The buddy with the houseboat was part Indian. He and Fisher were in the Rung Sat in ’66. It was like being in a fraternity. The buddy’s name was Jake. They had called him Kneebone in the navy. Fisher called him that when they got tight, and Jake gave a war