Beyond Blonde Read Online Free PDF Page A

Wymeran.
    “We’ll meet you at the Pink Panther, Mrs. Kandinsky,” called Madison. The Pink Panther was the pink Buick that Mama won when she broke records selling Mary Kay in the old days. We?
    “I have fresh bagels in da car.” This was so that we wouldn’t be tempted to tear off an arm in hunger on the five-minute drive back to Auntie Eva’s.
    Kit grabbed my gear. Madison grabbed my arm. “Seeyou next practice,” said Sarah as we made for the dressing room.
    “Tenk you, darrrlings! You are all so much to help, I tell you true, tenk you!” Mama started backing up, waving and blowing kisses at the same time. I don’t know why I still get surprised. But there she was blowing kisses like she was about to disembark from the Queen Mary, and there’s the rest of my team blowing kisses right back.
    Even the new assistant coach.
    Like I said, she was that good.

In the end, there was a notice and a photograph in every single one of the papers. Only politicians and movie stars have their photos above their obituary. But there Luigi was in The Globe and Mail, the Sun, and the Star . Me and the Blondes worked out the wording and called it in that day we bolted from practice:
    Prominent local businessman Luigi Pescatore died suddenly.…
    Getting the relevant details from Auntie Eva was next to impossible as she swanned from room to room wailing and tearing at her clothes. I followed her around with pen in hand. He died the night before at her place but that was all I knew. “Uh, sorry, Auntie Eva, we, the papers, need to know what he, um, how he, uh, passed on?”
    This unleashed a fresh torrent of piercing sobs. I honestly didn’t know she liked him that much. In fact, I was pretty sure she didn’t. Auntie Radmila grabbed my arm. “He died vit a smile on his face.”
    “Oh,” I said, “uh, I don’t think that we can put that in the paper.”
    “You tell zem,” Auntie Luba said in between puffs of one of the three cigarettes she had going. “You tell zem it vas an attack in za heart!” She nodded, pleased with herself.
    Prominent local businessman Luigi Pescatore died suddenly, but happily, of a heart attack.…
    “I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not sure that sounds …”
    “Iz perfect!” Auntie Eva wailed and then continued pacing.
    “How about relatives?” asked Madison, scanning through the newspapers we had on hand. “These all say stuff like ‘survived by’ you know?”
    “Pffftt.” Auntie Eva waved her hand. “Zey vas so many times removed, zey disappeared. I vas his everyting.” More wailing. Mama popped up to console her.
    “It is not important,” Mama whispered. “Da important ting is da picture.” She glanced at her watch. “Papa vill be here soon. Ve sent him to buy da grieving food.”
    “That sounds great!” chirped Sarah.
    Grieving food?
    Prominent local business tycoon Luigi Pescatore died suddenly, but happily, on Thursday, September 9, 1976.
    Mr. Pescatore is survived by the love of his life, his one and only, his most cherished and adored fiancée, Miss …
    Yes, Miss who? This prompted a rather intense debate. Which of Auntie Eva’s five possible last names were we going to go with? Auntie Eva used her surnames like accessories. She insisted between sobs that she liked the sound of her second husband’s name the most lately. So, even though Luigi knew her best as Eva Horvath, Kovach it was. She sensibly pointed out that it wasn’t like Luigi was going to care.
    … Miss Eva Kovach. Service to be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow, Saturday, September 11, at 10 A.M .
    The Aunties pronounced that version perfect. “Call it in,” I said to Kit, who had taken the initiative to hunt down the numbers for the obit/advertising sections of each newspaper. Papa would drop off the accompanying photos as soon as he got back with the food.
    “So, back to the removed cousins,” said Madison.
    “Yoy, yoy!” Auntie Eva patted her chest and made for her bedroom, with Mama