Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives Read Online Free PDF Page B

told her.
    She shook her head. “Freedom means no limits. To me, a life controlled by habits sounds dead.”
    Rebels resist habits, but they can embrace habit-like behaviors by tying their actions to their choices. A Rebel explained, “If I have to do something ‘every day,’ it guarantees I won’t do it. But if I take it one day at a time, and decide I’ll do it this time , then more often than not I end up with a streak.”
    Most people, by a huge margin, are Questioners or Obligers. Very few are Rebels, and, to my astonishment, I discovered that the Upholder category is also tiny. (In fact, because Upholders and Rebels are such small categories, people who try to shape people’s habits on a large scale—employers, device manufacturers, insurance companies, instructors—do better to focus on solutions that help Questioners, by providing sound reasons, and Obligers, by providing accountability.)
    We often learn most about ourselves by learning about other people, and when I began my habits research, I assumed that I was pretty average—I feel pretty average—so it was a shock to realize that as an Upholder, I’m actually an extreme and rare type of personality.
    I mentioned my surprise to my husband, Jamie, who said, “Of course you have an extreme personality. I could have told you that.”
    â€œ Really? ” I said. “How did you know?”
    â€œI’ve been married to you for eighteen years.”
    Novelist Jean Rhys observed, “One is born either to go with or to go against.” From what I’ve observed, our Tendencies are hardwired, and while they can be offset to some degree, they can’t be changed. While it’s often difficult to identify a child’s Tendency (I still can’t figure out the Tendencies of my two daughters), by adulthood, most people fall into a Tendency that shapes their perception and behavior in a fundamental way.
    Yet whatever our Tendency, with greater experience and wisdom, we can learn to counterbalance its negative aspects. As an Upholder, for instance, I’ve learned to resist my inclination to meet an expectation unthinkingly, and to ask, “Why am I meeting this expectation, anyway?”
    Being married to a Questioner has helped me to learn to question more myself—or I rely on Jamie to question for me. One night we were at the theater, and at intermission I told him, “So far, I really do not like this play.” Jamie replied, “I don’t, either. Let’s go home.” I thought—what, can we just go ? And we did. My first instinct is to do what’s expected of me, but when Jamie scoffs, “Nah, you don’t have to do that,” it’s easier for me to decide, “That’s right, I don’t have to do that.”
    For his part, I think Jamie has become more of an Upholder over the years, at least at home. Although he’s inclined to meet my requests with questions—“Why do I have to do that?” “What’s the point?” “Can’t I do that later?”—he’s learned that I always have a reason for a request, and it bugs me to have to spell it out. He’s improved (somewhat) at accepting my expectations without prolonged debate.
    Knowing our Tendency can help us frame habits in a compelling way. I exercise regularly because it’s on my to-do list; a Questioner rattles off the health benefits of exercise; an Obliger takes a weekly bike ride with a partner; and when my Rebel friend Leslie Fandrich wrote about how she started running, she emphasized Rebel values of freedom and desire: “Running seems like the most efficient and independent way to get myself back into shape … I can go when it suits my schedule without having to pay for a gym membership. I also love getting outside for some fresh air and it’s a great way to listen to new music.”
    The Four Tendencies can provide