Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half Read Online Free PDF Page B

man’s work is just a J-O-B, but it is much more than that. Work allows a man to direct his creative energies into productive outlets. It also fulfills physical, mental, psychological, and emotional needs. Work often defines a man’s sense of identity and gives him something he can be proud of. When a man says “I am a physician” or “I am a businessman” or “I am an ironworker,” that expresses part of who he is, not just what he does.
    Obviously, tying occupation to self-identity can be an unhealthy thing, and if that’s the sole source of a man’s self-esteem, it can be disastrous. But notice that one of the first things a man asks another man is what he does for a living. That is an attempt to identify his spot on the masculine food chain and to understand something about the other guy. It immediately tells him a few things about the other man. For instance, if he is a mechanic or a construction worker, he is probably good with his hands; if he is a salesman, he has the gift of gab; if he is a lawyer, he is not to be trusted (just kidding); and if he is a doctor, he’s had a lot of schooling and probably makes a healthy income. Also, it often lets one man know the level of respect another man deserves. This can be accurate or misguided, but it serves that function nonetheless.
    For instance, a friend of mine has a friend who hangs wallpaper. Upon first hearing, that doesn’t seem all that impressive. However, this guy installs huge murals and does complicated restorative work. In truth, he is one of those “if you have to ask, you can’t afford me” craftsmen. Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t allocate respect based on job title?
    Men also tend to judge or at least filter other men by the amount of income they earn. In that regard, we as a culture tend to hold men who make a lot of money in higher regard than they probably deserve. (Of course, if I made a lot of money I might feel differently.)

Why Men Work
     
    Most men feel compelled to work as part of their makeup. I have worked hard since the age of twelve. But for the past several years I have made a living by writing books and speaking around the country. I also direct our Better Dads ministry. Because I enjoy what I do so much, it does not feel like actual work. Roofing houses, laying asphalt, or hanging Sheetrock—now that’s work. What I do is fun. Consequently, sometimes I almost feel that I’m lazy or taking the easy way out. I find myself spending more hours working so that I don’t get accused (even by my own self) of slacking off. My wife thinks I spend too much time at my desk, but if I didn’t I might feel like I was not fulfilling my role to provide for my family.
    It’s a bit complicated, but my point is I feel compelled to work even when I really do need to take some time off. I hate to think what a psychologist might say about that attitude. Nevertheless, many men feel that same drive to work.
    Because of this compulsion for men to identify and validate themselves through their work (which women generally do not have), wives often misunderstand this drive in their husbands and view it as a negative character trait. Of course, some men do obsess about their work and are distracted at home, not fully engaged in their relationships. This is unhealthy and often is driven by internal wounds or feelings of inadequacy. They feel that if they can be successful and make enough money in their career, then it will somehow prove to themselves and others that they are worthy of respect. In their minds, that will make a woman love them more and lead to a good relationship. That perception is inaccurate and untrue but is how many men unconsciously process the interaction between work and their self-image.
    Others consciously or even unconsciously spend more time at work than is healthy for their family. They often do this because work is easier than relationships. Work has boundaries and rules that are clearly defined and tell people when