Attack the Geek Read Online Free PDF Page A

could. It wasn’t usually a great idea to antagonize people you’re hoping will watch your back.
    Wickham huffed, struggling with the straps. “I can’t imagine what un-evolved brain-damaged fool made this abysmal excuse for a harness.”
    Ree shared a look with Grognard and walked back over to Wickham, her weapon down. “Here, let me. This was made by a lefty—that’s why it’s still on the shelf.”
    Wickham sighed in exasperation, tossing her pistol aside. Restraining another eye roll, Ree went to the ranty model to help her out.
    “Hold still a minute.” Wickham did, and for a moment, they were just two women, one helping another with a wardrobe malfunction.
    Until Wickham opened her mouth again. “You’re a poor excuse for a lady in waiting, but considering my options . . . ” she said, gesturing to the rest of the group. Talon and Chandra were the only other women present.
    “And you’re a crap excuse for a noblewoman, so we go together just fine,” Ree said, flipping a strap and releasing a clasp. The Spider-magic was fueling her natural tendency toward quippy retorts. Thankfully, she’d established that banter seemed to come free with the genre emulation. “There, that should do it.”
    Wickham straightened herself out of Ree’s grasp and stretched, testing her range of motion. “That will have to do.”
    Ree crossed her arms. “You must have missed the ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ unit in kindergarten.”
    “I skipped kindergarten,” Wickham said.
    “I rest my case.” Ree threw up her arms and went back to the door, her lightsaber out again. “Sorry,” she said to Grognard.
    “And what happened to ‘Protecting the other patrons is not my responsibility’?” Ree asked in Wickham’s direction.
    The Lieutenant scoffed. “I realized that the only way out of here would be to make an opportunity myself. Try not to get in my way.”
    Wickham sauntered over to the group, owning the role of Cordelia for their motley Scooby Gang. Since Wickham was looking away, Ree allowed herself the most indulgent of eye rolls as she followed.
    Grognard unlocked the door, then hauled it open with one swing. He dropped into guard with his glaive-guisarme, Ree activated her lightsaber, and the others powered up their various weapons.
    “Here we go!” Ree said.

Chapter Four
    Dysfunctional Raid Party
     
    The mass of gnomes looked like a beehive. They were stacked on top of one another, falling and scrambling over one another to get to the group.
    Uncle Joe raised several cards over his head, tore them with a whoop, and a wave of fire pushed forward, enveloping the gnomes. They screamed and scuttled backward, and the group stepped forward into the sewer. Eastwood tossed out a handful of industrial-grade glow sticks, which filled the tunnel with yellow light.
    Ree did her best Steve Ditko Spidey-fingers, unleashing a net of webbing that pinned a handful of gnomes to the far wall. She jumped forward and swung up, the blue blade strobing across her vision. She caught two of the gnomes, but several more leapt out of the way. As soon as her blade swung past, more of the miniature monsters scuttled forward. Their nails clicked on the concrete floor with the strange familiarity of her golden retriever, Booster, trying to get purchase in the linoleum kitchen back at her dad’s place.
    She let loose another dose of webbing, then jumped and stuck to the ceiling, leaving her sword arm free to continue swinging.
    Ree’s spider-shtick attracted a dozen of the gnomes’ attention as they tried to climb over one another to get to her. Even with their considerable ups, they fell short, putting them just in range of her lightsaber.
    From her vantage point, she saw the rest of the group as they fought, each in their own style.
    Out front, Grognard tore through the creatures, swinging the glaive-guisarme around as easily as a broom at closing time.
    Talon covered Grognard’s back, following his movements and keeping the