At Least He's Not On Fire: A Tour of the Things That Escape My Head

At Least He's Not On Fire: A Tour of the Things That Escape My Head Read Online Free PDF Page B

Book: At Least He's Not On Fire: A Tour of the Things That Escape My Head Read Online Free PDF
Author: Chris Philbrook
I can’t even swallow.
    I’ve sat in bed, snuggled up with Otis and just laid there thinking about this. I’ve been so busy getting this place safe from the zombies that I haven’t had time to really think about it until now. She has to be dead, right? She was never the “survivor” type. She lost her goddamn mind when there was a spider in the house, I can’t envision her keeping her shit together when people are dying all around her, then sitting up and attacking her too. My most frequent delusion about her death is that she died in a car accident trying to get out of the city. You know, she would’ve taken the stairs to get out of the building, ran to her car, dodging the undead’s awkward lunges. I can see her starting her little car, backing out into the street, and then getting creamed at an intersection by some fucking asshole in a giant SUV trying to do the same thing as her. In my guilt filled vision she not only is killed instantly, but is either decapitated, or is so mangled that she can’t get back up as the undead.
    I think thinking of it that way makes me feel like it’s better that way. At least if she died that way she isn’t hurting anyone else, and at least that way I will never have to worry about seeing her disintegrating body shambling towards me someday. Man I hope that never happens. I don’t think I could take seeing that. Seeing her beautiful face all ashen and bloody, teeth bared, slowly clawing at the air as she comes toward me.
    Just typing that makes my fucking skin crawl.  
    There’s this enormous part of me that says I should go get a truck from the maintenance barn and make my way to her work. For closure. I know I won’t find her, at least, I know I won’t find her alive. I think if I did find her car smashed to shit in an intersection I might feel better about myself. About my decision that day. You know at least I could say that I was right about not going to try and find her. She was probably already dead by the time I even knew what was going on that day. There was no chance that I could’ve saved her.
    Then the little prick inside me says; “Adrian, but what if you find her dead, walking along the road, slowly making her way home, slowly making her way back to you?” And my ambition to go get closure just dries right the fuck up. I think that little prick, that little voice inside me is my cowardice. I never thought of myself as a coward. Really. I’ve waded into some pretty dangerous shit in my 34 years on this planet, and not once did I give it a second thought.  
    Why the fuck did I give up on her so easily that day?

    Fuck you Mr. Journal.

    -Adrian

September 28 th

    Mr. Journal I’m profoundly sorry for my outburst at the end of the last journal. Good sentence right there. I think a few of my English teachers just rolled over in their graves. Well actually a few of my English teachers probably just burped up the entrails of a few of my math teachers, but you get the idea. Sorry surviving English teachers, that was pretty tasteless.
    Pun not intended.
    I feel better about myself today. I think yesterday’s journal entry was cathartic for me. Finally admitting out loud that I failed myself and Cass that day has relieved me of some guilt. I actually slept pretty good last night for the first time since my first journal entry. I’ve been restless for a long time, and it was really rejuvenating to get a full 8 hours of sleep. Otis can sense my troubles too, and it has had him on edge. He’s been largely avoiding me for a few days now, and finally this morning he actually came up to me as I woke up and looked for some attention. Apparently he can figure out when I’m emotionally capable of giving him some affection. I am so thankful he’s still around.
    After I gave him his love this morning I had a bit of a startle. The campus here is pretty fucking out of the way. We’re at the end of a country dead end road in a small town, miles from anything even remotely
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