Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice Read Online Free PDF Page B

instinctual response to danger. When there’s danger, your instincts spur you into either fighting or running away (that is, flight) .
    While you’re by yourself and meditating, it’s a good idea to pray for guidance, support, and peace. You want to be honest with yourself and with others, but you don’t want to blow situations out of proportion. Nor do you want to engender hard feelings.

    Whenever we avoid conflict by keeping our feelings to ourselves, we do ourselves and others a disservice. This is a form of dishonesty and manipulation. We’re trying to control the other person’s reactions by controlling what we tell them.
    So that means you’re being controlling if someone asks you if you’re upset and you say that you aren’t when you really are. You’re trying to keep him or her from being angry with you or from starting an argument with you. Or, you’re holding your feelings inside to prevent the other person from seeing that you are hurt.
    Now, that doesn’t mean you have to go to the other extreme and bulldoze the other person with the blunt truth.
    There’s an in-between way to handle conflict that’s just right and very healthy and honest. After you’ve collected your thoughts and feelings, go to the person and say this magical phrase: “I’d like to clear some things with you.”
    This nonthreatening phrase keeps communication open because the other person doesn’t feel accused. Start by taking a deep breath and silently praying for strength and a clear mind. Even though your heart may be racing and you might even be perspiring, know that anytime you do something for the first time, you’ll feel intimidated or afraid. Each time you practice a new behavior, it becomes easier and more natural.
    Look the other person in the eye and say to him or her from your heart and without apology: “I really care about our relationship, so I need to share my feelings in order for us to clear them.”
    Now, the other person may feel threatened by this and might immediately become defensive or even argumentative. Don’t let this throw you, unless the other person becomes verbally or physically abusive.
    (Don’t try to negotiate with an abusive person, especially if he or she intoxicated. If abuse occurs, leave immediately and seek appropriate support or protection.)
    In most situations, others will be open to hearing you. During your discussion, it’s vital that you own your feelings. This means: don’t use blaming or shaming words. Even if you do blame them, saying that you do will shut down all further communication.
    Use phrases such as I feel, I felt , and to me . This way, you’re not poking and prodding at the other person with accusatory phrases, and inadvertently provoking their defensiveness.
    Do your best to keep your cool while talking about and owning your feelings. If you start to cry, let yourself be real. The same with anger: allow yourself to be authentic, but don’t act on this emotion, such as by yelling or calling names. Also, please don’t put yourself down in any way.
    Don’t diminish, disparage, or apologize for your feelings . . . ever! Remember: You have a right to your feelings, even if other people don’t understand or agree with them! Your feelings are your signals of deep truths inside of you. They’re the language of your soul, and they need you to listen to them.
    After you’ve talked about your feelings, allow the other person to explain his or her own. There are always two sides to every story. However, notice your gut feelings while you’re listening. If you get an uneasy feeling that the other person is covering his or her tracks or being dishonest with you, then note that—because he or she probably is .
    As your assertiveness level grows stronger, you’ll have the courage to say to a person who’s lying to you, “I don’t believe what