And Only to Deceive Read Online Free PDF Page A

hosting a small dinner Wednesday next and would like to include you in the party. It will be a suitable occasion for you to begin your gradual return to society.”
    The thought of Lady Elliott’s party was only slightly less hideous to me than crossing the Channel on a stormy day. Lady Elliott, my mother’s closest friend, would be certain to join in hounding me the entire time, criticizing my clothing (too light-colored), my house (too much light),and my new reading habits (not light enough). I checked to see that I had covered Philip’s beautifully bound copy of the Iliad with Ivy’s letter and sighed.
    “I don’t think I’m ready, Mother.”
    “You cannot hide in your grief forever.”
    “I thought you wanted me to emulate our queen.”
    “Not literally, child. Your idea of mourning is very odd to me. Liberal with your clothing, conservative with social engagements. I’m not sure what to make of it.”
    “You needn’t make anything of it. My clothing is perfectly appropriate. Mr. Worth handled the details himself, and I wore nothing but bombazine for an entire year. As for society…” I hesitated, not sure what I wanted to say. I certainly didn’t want to imprison myself but also did not want to be cornered into accepting invitations from all of my mother’s ghastly friends. “I’m afraid it is too painful for me to return to society in London. It only reminds me of Philip.”
    “I’m sure you feel it keenly,” my mother answered, giving me more sympathy than she ever had before in her life. “It puts me in mind of the depth of emotion our queen still shows to her dear, departed husband.” I thought it best to ignore this sentiment.
    “Therefore, I have decided to go to Paris,” I said, surprising even myself.
    “Paris?”
    “Yes. Philip and I did not stop there on our wedding trip, so there will be no bittersweet memories.” I paused for effect. “I have had a letter from Ivy today. She and Robert will be there for the next few weeks, and I mean to visit them. I shall also see Mr. Worth about some new dresses and perhaps go to the Louvre. Philip wanted to take me there.” I watched my mother’s face.
    “You cannot think of traveling alone,” she began, and then stopped suddenly. “I do not like this, Emily. It doesn’t seem appropriate in the least.”
    “Why not?” I countered, feeling slightly guilty for inventing stories about my deceased spouse. “It would make Philip happy.”
    “Philip would be happy to know that you are being cared for by family. If you are not comfortable in London, which I admit is somewhat understandable, why don’t you go see his sister? She would be delighted to have you.”
    The thought of a prolonged stay with any of Philip’s family was insupportable. They, who really grieved his loss, and I, who would have to pretend that I knew him: a disastrous combination.
    “No. I am going to Paris. It’s already decided. I shall have you and Father to dinner before I leave.”
    “Who will be your chaperone? I cannot make the trip on such short notice.”
    I breathed a sigh of relief, not having had time to even consider a response to the possibility of her wanting to join me. “I shall bring my maid. I am no longer an unmarried woman, Mother, and am quite capable of traveling on my own. Besides, Ivy will be there, and loads of people go after the Season. I’m sure I won’t be lonely.”
    “I didn’t imagine you would be gone so long. Surely you will return to England before Christmas?” She shook her head. “I don’t think I should allow it.”
    “Happily, the decision is mine, Mother. I am a widow and in sole control of my actions.” Not sure of how to respond to such a statement from her daughter, my mother retreated into the safe world of society gossip. I had left cards for several people that week and hoped violently that one, if not all, of them would interrupt us before I went mad listening to the usual litany of wedding plans, broken