An-Ya and Her Diary Read Online Free PDF Page A

was easy for me. I could read and write in English before I left China. I practiced all day, every day.
    Maybe I have a language gift. If I have a gift for learning a language, then I must have a gift for forgetting a language too.
    49
    Dear Penny,
    In the orphanage I used to sing. Not to anybody special. I would just sing because I wanted to. But the children thought I was singing to them. So they would stop their playing and come sit next to me. The orphanage would be quiet and filled with only my voice. Everyone said that my singing voice was pretty. Even the nannies.
    I can’t sing in English. I don’t know how to try. Maybe my voice can only sing in one language, and now that language is gone? I miss singing. When I would sing, everything would be ok. I didn’t think about anything else. I sang for me and my voice would touch the sky.
    50
    Dear Penny,
    It is night again. It is raining again. The rain is loud and heavy, and the streets are filled with rushing water. I have been thinking about running away. In my room is a large window. It is almost as big as me. The window is tall with many glass squares. The top is round. But I can’t open it. It doesn’t open and let the cool air in. There are other windows in my room, but they are high up and small. Daddy opens those when it is warm.
    I placed my hands on the large window and I thought about how to get through. I could push. I could bang on the window. But how do I break the window without the window breaking me? I wanted to go somewhere else. Somewhere where they don’t ask about my past, somewhere where they don’t ask any questions. If I hit the window really hard, then I could get out. I am strong enough. Maybe I could jump out of the broken window without cutting myself too much. I’m not sure.
    Even if I cut myself on the broken glass, would that be so bad? Maybe I would be free to run with my blood flowing like a river into the wet street. Maybe it would feel good. Maybe it might even feel great. I could run so fast, and my blood could leave a beautiful painting behind me. The rain would wash the pain away.
    51
    Dear Penny,
    Last night I couldn’t break the window. I didn’t even try. I put my hands on the window and felt its coolness. When I took my hands away, it left a white shadow of my hands on the window. I sat under the window and cried until I couldn’t breathe. I started choking and Wanna heard me.
    She came into my room and sat behind me. I felt her hand touch my head, and her fingers began to run through my hair. She spoke in a soft voice and told me how sorry she was. I stopped choking, but my eyes were blurry, and I couldn’t see through the tears that continued to fall. Wanna kept touching my hair. She pulled her fingers through each piece and worked out all the tiny knots. I couldn’t see her finger nails, but I knew they were painted a shade of pink.
    I asked her to go away. I told her I hated her and to go away.
    She didn’t leave. She kept working her fingers through my hair and whispered how much she loved me and how she wished she could take the pain and carry it for me. She asked me if I knew why I hated her so much.
    I told her that I hated her for cutting my hair.
    Can you believe that I said that?
    She said we didn’t have to cut it anymore. We didn’t have to cut it ever again.
    52
    Dear Penny,
    Tonight Wanna gave me her old robe. It is soft, thick, fuzzy, and white and smells like sweet peaches and lemons. She told me it was a lucky robe and to wrap myself in the robe if I feel scared. How can a robe be lucky? She said that whenever she felt sad or scared, she would wear the robe and it helped her feel better. I don’t know. I brought it to my room, but I probably won’t use it.
    53
    Dear Penny,
    Do you think that I have brothers and other sisters in China? Do you think She kept them and just left me?
    Wanna told me today about laws in China that say that most people can only have one child. There were too many people