A Pretty Mouth Read Online Free PDF Page A

we would earlier poach from the hotel itself,” said the Lord Calipash. “I’ve retrieved a few. Then we kill her and make a run for it. Corker of a notion, I think, eh?” He looked at me. “What? You don’t think so?”
    “Only—m’lord—if you were to disappear so quickly after the death of the proprietress, there might be some questions on the part of the police of whether you were motivated by interest or eagerness to be away from the Viviarium. Suspicion might fall upon you and your sister.”
    “Well, what do you suggest?”
    “If I may, m’lord …”
    “Yes?”
    “How desperate are you to obtain this octopus?”
    “Totally committed.”
    “Would you be willing to commit acts of … self-sacrifice, m’lord?”
    “Steady on, Jeeves. How martyry are we talking? Hair shirt? Vulture at the liver every day?”
    There are moments in every valet’s career when he must decide whose happiness is more important, his or his employer’s. I speak now of Mr. Wooster, not the Lord Calipash, who did not employ me so much as manage me for a time. All the same, I had to take a moment to contemplate exactly how Mr. Wooster would wish me to acquit myself. Would he wish me to follow my heart and do what I thought was right, or would he wish me to follow any and all instructions given to me by the Lord Calipash? I quickly tallied points in favor of both options, factored in my employer’s temperament, moods, and inclinations, and made my decision.
    “I believe you would find the sacrifices of an easy, pleasant nature,” I said. “Both of you. If you leave the groundwork up to me, I think I can manage to successfully resolve everything in your favor.”
    “ Really ?” the Lord Calipash and Lady Alethea said, in unison.
    “Absolutely,” said I. “May I have m’lord’s permission to begin?”
    “Do it, then!” cried the Lord Calipash. Thus, I bowed, and left.
    The first thing I did was to seek Miss Cirrina Prideaux in her office. I needed to ascertain some things about her character that would be necessary for me to proceed. I found the young woman busily calculating something, using an abacus and biting the end of her pencil, but at my knock she looked up and smiled at me pleasantly.
    “Ah, Mr. Jeeves, is it? I thought you’d gone with Mr. Wooster.”
    “I stayed behind to settle a few matters for a friend of Mr. Wooster’s. May I have a moment of your time, Miss?”
    “How may I be of service, Mr. Jeeves? Please, sit.”
    I sat across from Miss Prideaux. She was an attractive young woman, with dark hair styled in a French fashion and a pleasant smile. Her eyes were widely set, with brilliant blue irises, and her complexion, while tanned by the sun, was smooth and bespoke health. While I may have expressed reservations over whether she would be a suitable partner for Mr. Wooster, I found her charming when my employer was trying to avoid getting engaged to her, and I found her charming in that moment, too.
    “I was curious, Miss, if you might do me a very great favor.”
    “If it is within my power.”
    “I am currently in the employ of the Lord Calipash, and he mentioned in passing that you had a lovely specimen of the Greater Blue-Ringed Octopus here at the Vivarium. I am, I confess, something of an amateur teuthologist and would very much like to see the creature if it is possible?”
    Miss Prideaux put down her pencil. “I’m afraid I must disappoint you, Mr. Jeeves. I do not have a Greater Blue-Ringed Octopus here at the Vivarium.”
    “What a pity. It sounded from the description the Lord Calipash gave that you had one, somewhere below the hotel, in a rather ingenious tank—one that allows the open sea to clean and maintain the creature’s habitat naturally.”
    I perceived some discomfort in Miss Prideaux’s expressions and actions, but she eventually ceased to fidget.
    “I do have a species of octopus in such a tank … but it is not a Greater Blue-Ringed Octopus. It is a different