A Pretty Mouth Read Online Free PDF Page B

and a thumb and seemed quite dexterous, but, upsettingly, they adorned arms that looked far more like birds’ legs than arms, human or cephalopodan.
    “What do you think, Mr. Jeeves. Is my specimen as unusual as you believed?”
    “Rather moreso, Miss Prideaux,” I said, struggling to retain my composure. “Wherever did you find him?”
    “Rock-diving with my parents off the coast of Australia,” she replied. “If you hold his hands, he can speak right into your mind, and when we told him of our hotel, he said he should like nothing more than to come home with us and share his delicious secretions with the world. He has a very large family, you see, and hopes that through small, regular doses of his mild venom, we should all live in harmony with one another. He and his family are very smart.”
    This horrifying piece of intelligence from Miss Prideaux gave me pause. I considered whether or not to move forward with my plan, knowing what I did. In the end you all may judge me for it, but due to my forthcoming description of how it all played out, you will know not to take your gentlemen within fifty miles of Dolor-on-the-Downs or The Marine Vivarium, and thank me for it.
    “Miss Prideaux,” I said, after a moment, “you are a marvel. May I ask you a few questions of a bold, personal nature?”
    “You may ask them, of course …”
    “Very fair. I was curious if you were still interested in, if I may be so bold, affairs matrimonial?”
    “That is bold,” said Miss Prideaux. “May I ask why? Have you come to offer me your hand, Mr. Jeeves?”
    “Regrettably no, Miss,” said I. “I ask on behalf of the curiosity of another.”
    “A pity,” said Miss Prideaux, giving me a calculating look. “I rather think you’d do for a husband, Mr. Jeeves. Just the sort of mind that would be useful for running this hotel and managing things.”
    “If I may, Miss, what I perceive you need is not another mind,” said I. “You are clearly a woman of intelligence and drive.”
    “Thank you, Jeeves.”
    “It is only the truth.”
    “Perhaps. What were your other questions?”
    “If you felt yourself in need of further inducements to bring potential guests to your hotel.”
    “Always.”
    “Excellent. And thirdly, do you already have a method of bottling your friend’s unique medicine?”
    “Yes, after the first visit, patrons may pay a premium to have me bring it to them. They almost always do.”
    I smiled. “Please, if I may impose on your time for only a few more moments, then let me propose something to you, Miss Prideaux …”
    Thankfully, Mr. Wooster has taught me something of mixology, and so it was with confidence, later that night, that I presented a complicated potation to the Lord Calipash before he went down to dinner. He drank it, and we discussed his future for a time afterwards. He seemed pleased with my solutions to his pecuniary troubles and his sister’s discomfort with her state and confinement, and thus I was able to return sooner than I thought to London—and to the side of my employer. Rather than boring you with further descriptions—and to save my poor hand, which is cramping after writing all this, I present to you two newspaper clippings of some interest to the general public, but perhaps of more interest to the private members of this Club, who shall appreciate what is not said in them even more than what is.
     
FITZROY—PRIDEAUX—June 24, at St. Michael’s Church at Dolor-on-the-Downs, Dorset by the Rev. S. M. Grant, Alastair Fitzroy Lord Calipash of Devon to Cirrina Prideaux, only daughter of Mr. Gabriel Prideaux, proprietress of The Marine Viviarium, hotel and sanatorium.
     
REAL LIVE MERMAID DISPLAYED AT HOTEL AT DOLOR-ON-THE-DOWNS!
     
    DORSET, August 12—After hearing gossip and rumor regarding such, this paper sent down our own Mr. B, investigative reporter on entertainment hoaxes, to Dorset to see if the “Real Live Mermaid” advertised by The Marine Vivarium, a seaside