A Hidden Life Read Online Free PDF Page A

called their new parents by their first names, they had both taken on the Barrington surname. As it happened, Ellie’s first husband’s name had been Connor, which was okay but not something whose loss one would actually mourn. Unless it was yours, of course, Nessa thought, remembering how long it took her to get used to the change. Justin had loved Barrington from the very beginning. He said, ‘It’s long. Long names are better than short names, aren’t they?’ No one contradicted him.
    â€˜Pat Connor. You can thank him at least for your lovely colouring, dear. Black hair, white skin, green eyes. A proper Colleen.’
    But not gorgeous, just about okay. A bit too thin, no tits to speak of, good hair. That’s it. Justin, on the other hand, has people staring after him in the street and has done since childhood.
    Ellie went on, ‘You’re a lot prettier than Louise, even though she’s improved a great deal. She’s a bit too big, isn’t she? Not fat, not at all any longer … but a bit too tall for a woman and well built.’
    When Louise was born, Nessa had just celebrated her tenth birthday. She’d loved the baby, and her best memories of childhood were looking after Lou. That didn’t last long. The moment Lou could walk, as soon as she began to speak, everything changed. She quite soon became a burden, trying to follow Nessa and her friends everywhere, wanting to join in with their games, and crying as though she were being murdered when she was denied anything. A bloody nuisance. And how many hours of unpaid babysitting did Phyl get out of me when I was a teenager? Nessa reflected. She couldn’t help feeling she was owed something for those times when she’d had to stay home and take care of Lou and Justin while her friends were busy somewhere else, doing something a whole lot more interesting than gazing at the telly.
    â€˜You know your trouble, darling?’
    â€˜You’re going to tell me, I’m quite sure.’ Nessa sighed and sat down facing her mother.
    â€˜You often think other people are getting more than you are. That you’re missing out somehow. You always have, whether there wasreason to or not.’
    â€˜There usually was. I feel …’ She sighed again. Ellie wouldn’t understand. Nessa felt that a lot of things were simply unfair. She believed that other people had things better than she did. She was aware of how childish this was, knew that if she confessed to this envy, told Gareth about it for instance, he’d look at her in astonishment, so she said nothing. Sometimes she felt guilty about her behaviour. She knew she ought to try to control herself; not give everyone such a hard time so frequently, but it was difficult to change habits like this when it came to members of her own family.
    â€˜You’re a great deal better off than Louise,’ Ellie said, standing up and moving to the door. ‘Think of other people for a change.’
    â€˜Ellie?’ Nessa called after her. Her mother turned round, looking a bit uncertain about whether she ought to come into the kitchen again or not.
    â€˜What is it?’
    â€˜I’ve just thought. Maybe you could speak to Matt? Prepare the ground for me? I want to ask him about the possibility of contesting the will.’
    â€˜He’ll say you shouldn’t. I promise you, that’s what he’ll say, even though he’s angrier than you are, because of Lou being cut out like that. And why d’you think he’ll listen to me?’
    â€˜I just think he would, that’s all.’ Nessa remembered the months after her mother’s abrupt departure. It seemed to her then that her stepfather hadn’t been very happy with what was going on, in spite of getting married to Phyl and even after a baby was on the way. He’d always, she reckoned, had a soft spot for her mother and probably still thought of her fondly. It