A Cold Day in Paradise Read Online Free PDF Page B

“I have a problem. I know that. And I thought I had solved that problem. I thought I was done with it. But I was wrong. I admit it. Okay? I was wrong. I still have a problem.”
    “Okay,” I said.
    “I don’t know if you’ve ever had a problem like this,” he said. “You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who’d ever have a gambling problem. You probably can’t relate to that. But it’s really not that much different from any other kind of compulsion or addiction or whatever you want to call it. Whether it’s gambling or alcohol or drugs, it’s really the same thing. Have you ever had any kind of problem like that at all?”
    “For the sake of argument,” I said, “let’s say I have.”
    “Okay, but whatever it is, it gives you something. Whether it’s a drink or a pill or a bet. It gives you a certainkind of feeling. You know what I mean? It’s a feeling that you can’t get anywhere else. And eventually you get to the point where you know it’s starting to hurt you, but you still have to have that feeling. For me, it’s the feeling of having something at risk. That ball is spinning in the roulette wheel. Or the dealer is showing a six and I’ve got eleven. It’s like a bolt of electricity right through me, Alex. And believe me, there is
nothing
else that makes me feel that way. There is
nothing
that can take its place.”
    “I understand that much, Edwin. I know it’s an addiction like any other kind of addiction.”
    “Okay, so let’s say you’re an alcoholic. And instead of going right into your twelve-step program, you try something else first. Let’s say that instead of trying to give up alcohol altogether, you just try to cut down on it, you know, so you can get a handle on it. So say instead of drinking whiskey, you just drink beer.”
    “Sounds like you’d be fooling yourself,” I said.
    “You’re probably right,” he said. “But that was my idea, you see? I thought if I could cut down on my gambling, then I could deal with it.”
    “I don’t follow.”
    “Alex, it’s not the winning that gets you. It’s the anticipation. It’s not knowing if you’re going to win or lose. That’s how you get that feeling. So what I figured is, if I bet on football games, I could stretch out that anticipation. Instead of having to play a hand of blackjack again and again to keep that feeling going, all I had to do was bet on one football game and then just sit on that one bet all week long. Like I was nursing one beer for days at a time.”
    “Edwin, for God’s sake.”
    “I’m just telling you what I was thinking, Alex. The football lines come out on Monday morning. So I get a bet down right away, and it’s just like taking that little hit. As long as it was enough money to matter a little bit. Like fivehundred dollars, usually. Maybe a thousand. It’s all I would need. I could relax all week long.”
    “So how long have you been doing this?”
    “Couple months,” he said. “Just since football season started. I was doing pretty well, too. Until that stupid Brigham Young game. Can you believe it, they were up twenty points with two minutes to go.
Twenty points!
And then they give up two garbage touchdowns. I was giving seven, so I lose by a point. Those Mormons, they can’t play defense, that’s my problem.”
    “A Mormon football team can’t play defense? You think that’s your problem?”
    “I was just kidding, Alex. I know what my problem is. Seeing that dead guy was a wake-up call for me. That could be me some day if I don’t clean up my act.” He took a long swallow from his drink and leaned back in his chair.
    “So what are you saying?”
    “I’m saying that I’m through with gambling. Forever. I mean it this time.”
    “Would you like to make a bet on that?” I said.
    He laughed.
    “Gamblers Anonymous,” I said. “They’re in the book.”
    “You’re right,” he said. “I’m calling them tomorrow.”
    “Okay.”
    “No, I mean it,” he said.