1995 - The UnDutchables Read Online Free PDF Page B

but the outcome was still a negative profit. True to form, there immediately followed a simultaneous outpouring of feeling over:
discontinuing the event, due to the magnitude of the successful losses.
continuing the event (hopefully with less successful losses next time).
    Amongst the latter clan, there is the characteristic in-fighting over who should be blessed with the prestige of paying host to the next Floriade , an event which many cloggies perceive as an eighth wonder of the modern world, reborn every decade.
    A far more popular event (for the locals) is the Bloemen-corso , an annual flower-float parade following a route through Aalsmeer, Amstelveen and Amsterdam, and which takes place in September (outside the normal European tourist season). It is a heart-warming moment to watch the local inhabitants delight in the colourful procession of flowered chariots as they pass by—enthusiasm due mainly to the magnificent arrangements, but also because they are free to behold.
    With such large amounts of finances flying, flower filchers have inevitably entered the arena—big time. Organized crime has extracted much profit from the leaf-thief/petal-pusher circuits by stealing bunches of bouquets from flower cultivators and selling them anywhere and everywhere they can.
    Horticultural hysteria is not the exclusive domain of petals. Anything green and growing is a certain money-spinner. Plants for home use and vegetables for export also command a large space in the fields and markets.
    Acquiring a budding new family member is only the start. Plant paraphernalia (an ornate pot, special soil, humidity gauge, various types of plant foods, leaf shine, etc.) is purchased/upgraded without a great deal of thought for the purse. Whenever necessary, the household horticultural library expandswith do-it-yourself books such as CARING FOR YOUR FAVOURITE HEVEA BRASILIENSIS and 1001 FIRST NAMES FOR YOUR NEW EUPHORBIA PULCHERRIMA.
    It has yet to occur to the Dutch that all this growing of flowers and house plants wastes good soil that could otherwise be used to grow crops. The crops could be sent to the starving masses in Africa, a popular subject for more protests in Holland (see Chapter 11). The world now waits with bated breath for the Dutch to protest this abuse of their assets.
Ground Rules
    One may think that incessant production of tulips, trees, tomatoes, turnips and ‘taters would have rendered Dutch soil almost barren by now. Indeed not, for the regular application of cow crap ( mest ) and other fertilizing agents has kept their hallowed ground rich—until recently, at least.
    Fields are becoming polluted with the residue from the 95 tons of manure, annually donated by the 17 million cows and pigs (four-legged variety) that inhabit Holland. There’s just too much shit there.
    Eager to capitalize on the prospect of florins for free faeces, provincial authorities have set up ‘manure banks’ for deposit and withdrawal of the stinky stuff. To guarantee success, bank charges are levied on all transactions, and the whole nonsense is government-subsidized. The latest word is that the shit banks are becoming a nationalized industry ‘…to promote efficient use of the surplus.’
    The whole issue of the mest mess commands more news space in Dutch dailies than the greenhouse effect (which some learned circles believe is partly caused by those same animals and their bovine belches).
Timber Talk
    In keeping with their love of plant life, the Dutch have elevated the tree to almost ‘national symbol’ status. Cities and villages provide generous budgets for the care and maintenance of trees. Each public tree is logged, numbered and carefully monitored. Tree doctors study, examine and perform surgery when necessary. If a tree is fortunate, has the right roots, is well-behaved, lives long and leaves itself well, it can be granted ‘monument’ status. (Currently, more than 10,000 trunks have achieved this rank.) Tree foundations and