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Kane .”
    And although Welles claimed that he intended to credit Mankiewicz all along, Mankiewicz had to complain to the Screen Writers Guild, which then insisted that Mankiewicz be given top bil ing. Mankiewicz also claimed that Welles offered him ten thousand dollars to let him say he wrote it all himself.
    So if you didn’t know, it’s probably because Welles wanted it that way. And for those of you keeping score, we also have it on good authority that Welles did not write his own dialogue for his appearance in The Muppet Movie .

SIX TERRIFYING THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT CHILDBIRTH
    YOU know what’s scarier than death? Birth. Anyone considering procreation should know that there are some things about childbirth they’re not tell ing you. Disgusting, horrifying things.
    6. THE CARNAGE
    Many births involve a procedure called an episiotomy, which comes from the Greek word epison , meaning “pubic region,” and the suffix -tomy , which apparently means “to cut the living shit out of.”
    In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to artificial y enlarge the vagina.
    Why would the doctor want to do such a thing? Why, to keep it from tearing, of course. To the layman, this might seem like starting a knife fight to prevent a shoving match. But that’s only because the layman hasn’t seen the other option: Try to imagine Barney the dinosaur getting into his car by climbing in through the exhaust pipe. well, without some control ed cutting, childbirth can be just like that but in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it’s a vagina.
    Yeah, just like that.
    5. THE FECES
    Not even the most terrifying clips of poo porn on the Internet could prepare you for childbirth. We’l spare most of the smel y details, but rest assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same.
    First off, the mom-to-be is probably going to take a rather sizable dump right in the hospital bed. Yeah, Hollywood tends to leave that part out.
    Apparently, passing an eight-pound canned ham through your hooha has a tendency to compress the intestine and push any fecal material it’s holding

    out of the body. Thanks to a local anesthetic, Mom may not even know it happened, which means the lucky father-to-be gets to explain why the ten people in the room all just threw up in their mouths.
    Secondly, the baby is gonna crap too. That isn’t news. Baby shit yel ow is one of the most popular colors of the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby’s first duke. For the first few days the baby’s bowel movements will be black and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar—and will be approximately as easy to clean up.
    To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache and a serious case of black diarrhea? It’s a lot like that. Which begs the question, How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb? The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh!
    4. THE PLACENTA
    Picture a vagina blowing a meat bubble. Now imagine someone surgical y attaching that meat bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing.
    Webster’s defines the placenta as “the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus . . . that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products.”
    Urban Dictionary would probably describe it as “the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come.”
    The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have made you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of B horror films.
    3. THE ALIEN-SHAPED HEADS
    By alien , we don’t mean the guys you picked up at the Home Depot to help