Worse Than Being Alone Read Online Free PDF Page A

drink
overwhelmed any sense of propriety.
    It was during this time that my relationship with
Harley changed. In high school, he dated Roni off and on, lurking
in the shadows. I dated James and I was always aware there seemed
to be an underlying animus between Harley and me. At the time, I
never gave it much thought. After I married James, our relationship
deteriorated even further until we had a blowout.
    On the surface, Harley doesn’t fit
the profile of a prescient observer, but he certainly had James
pegged. The night of our blowout, he railed at me about why I
tolerated James and his behavior. Harley encouraged me to quit
accepting what my life had become and challenged me to understand
that James would never quit drinking. That night, all the negative
feelings evaporated, replaced by Harley’s support and good-natured
teasing.
    Ethan and I were frequent visitors
to the Edelin farm. When Ethan was little and I worked evenings or
nights and James was too drunk to notice, Ethan could be spotted at
their dinner table. Since Roni and Harley have five children, Ethan
felt comfortable there. I can’t count the number of times after my
shift I slung a sleeping Ethan over my shoulder for the short ride
home.
    I had to face some hard truths while I was in
Alaska. I wanted to believe that it was only James and his drinking
that made me want to work so much and leave Ethan with James or
Roni and Harley. The real truth is much more complicated than that,
and I’m still trying to sort it all out. One thing I’m sure of is
that I wasn’t a very good mother back then. Some people aren’t
meant to be parents. Too bad there isn’t a test to weed out the bad
candidates.
    I know Roni thinks I came back because I missed her
and wanted to go into business with her. That certainly factored
into my decision, but the real reason is the guilt I feel that I
abandoned Ethan. I am desperately trying to reestablish some kind
of relationship with him. He attends college two hours away; I
visit him every other weekend.
    Current reality ended my reverie
as I turned onto the access road that led to the farm. Harley waved
as I parked close to the house but as far away from the Bradford
pear tree and the bluebirds as I could get.
    As I exited the car Harley asked. “Don’t want to
park under the tree again, huh?”
    “ What’s that saying?” I asked.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on
me.”
    “ Whatever,” Harley said. “Roni’s
on the phone.”
    “ How did lunch go?”
    “ Ok, I think,” Harley said. “Roni
is having a hard time with this.”
    “ I know, I talked to her this
morning.”
    “ I think she just needs to get to
know this woman better,” Harley said.
    “ I guess. That box by the barn is
gone. Did you catch that cat?”
    “ Yeah, he’s a brand new resident
of Perry County,” Harley said as he handed me a cold
Corona.
    “ Seriously, that’s how you’re
going to play this?”
    “ I don’t know what you’re talking
about,” he said.
    “ OK, we’ll do it your
way.”
    Harley pretended to look wounded and was about to
respond when Roni joined us and said. “How was your day,
Kitty?”
    “ I spent my day following Mary
Poppins and Ho Chi Minh.”
    Harley stared at me, grabbed my beer, and said. “No
more beer for you.”
    “ It’s OK, Harley,” Roni said. “She
gives everyone we investigate a nickname. Mary Poppins is the one
who peed on the doctor’s floor, right?”
    “ Too much information,” Harley
said as he handed me back my beer. “I’m going in. I’ll call you
when dinner’s ready.”
    I waited until Harley was out of sight before I
said. “I followed Mary Poppins to the mall. She spent most of the
afternoon shoplifting. What do we do about that?”
    “ Is that all she did?” Roni
asked.
    “ No, I got a nice video of her
doing Pilates at the gym.”
    “ Well, that should be enough to
send to Dr. Mirren,” Roni said. “With normal diagnostics and that
video, they can