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quivered with
the need to let me stop seeing. But I held his gaze. “I understand, sir. It was
my responsibility. My accusations against the Brethren’s chamberlain were
inexcusable.” Even
though they were true . But truth was always the first casualty in
our relationship with an onworld government. Kharemough held the Hegemony together with a fragile net of
economic sanctions and self-interested manipulation, because without a hyperlight drive, anything more centralized was impossible.
The seven other worlds of the Hegemony were technically autonomous— Kharemough cultivated their sufferance with hypocritically
elaborate care. I knew all of that as well as anyone; I’d learned it on Tiamat . “I should have offered you my resignation immediately.
I’ve had—family difficulties the past few months. My brothers lost ... are lost
in World’s End.” I felt the blood rise to my face again, and went on hast ily , “I don’t offer that as an excuse, only as an
explanation.” The Chief Inspector looked at me as though that explained
nothing. I couldn’t explain even to myself the dreams that had ruined my sleep
ever since my brothers came: the ghosts of a thousand dispossessed ancestors;
the face of my father changing into a girl’s face as pale as snow; endless
fields of snow .... I would wake up shivering, as if I
were freezing cold. “I offer you my resignation now, sir.” My voice did not
break.
    The Chief
Inspector shook his head. “That isn’t necessary. Not if you are willing to
accept the alternative of a temporary reduction in rank, and an enforced leave
of absence until the Governor-General has forgotten this incident. And until your ... emotional state has regained some kind of
equilibrium.”
    If only I could forget the past as easily as
the Governor-General will forget about me! I only said, faintly, “Thank you, sir. You
show me more consideration than I deserve.”
    “You’ve
been a good officer. You deserve whatever time it takes to resolve your
problems ... however you can,” he said, uncomfortably. “Rest, enjoy this
vacation from your responsibilities. Get to feel at home on this world.” He
glanced at me, at the scars on my wrists. “Or perhaps ... what you need is to
look into your brothers’ disappearance in World’s End.”
    For a
moment I felt a black rush of vertigo, as if I were falling—I shook my head,
saw a fleeting frown cross the Chief Inspector’s face.
    “Come back
to the force, Gundhalinu ,” he murmured. “But only if
you can come back without scars.”
    Without scars ... without the past. What’s the point of having the scars removed?
It would only be one more act of hypocrisy. I’d still see them. And so would
he. Life scars us with its random motion. Only death is perfect.

day 22.
    Gods, I
can’t believe what I did to myself yesterday. How could I have done something
that asinine? I was sick half the night. I’ve never been drunk like that. It’s
this place. It must be.
    This
morning I swore to myself that if nothing changed today I’d give up this
insanity. I’ll never know if I meant it this time or not ... because something
finally happened.
    I was back
in C’uarr’s place, as usual. A local man came over to
me where I sat, nursing my drink and my queasy stomach. Finally I realized that
he was interested in me, and I looked up at him. He was tall and heavyset,
closing in on middle age, with skin the color of leather and straight black
hair. A Company man, I thought ... an ex-Company man. His dingy coveralls had
no insignia or identification, only white patches that showed they’d been there
once. A tarnished religious medal dangled against his chest; bitter lines
bracketed his mouth. “You Gedda ?” he asked.
    I found my
jaw clenching with resentment. I’ve gotten too used to this enforced solitude.
I worked my tongue loose, and said, “Yes.” I go by Gedda here. It suits me better than my own name, and it hides my identity from