Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld Read Online Free PDF Page A

what?’
    ‘Master of the thingy, Lord High Wossname of the Sacred Dungeons?’
    ‘In a figurative sense.’
    ‘What does that mean?’
    ‘Well, it means no,’ said Cutwell.
    *
    ‘Is it possible to walk through walls?’ said Mort desperately.
    ‘Using magic?’
    ‘Um,’ said Mort, ‘I don’t think so.’
    ‘Then pick very thin walls,’ said Cutwell.

    ‘What time’s sunset around here?’
    ‘We normally manage to fit it in between night and day.’

    He felt as if he’d been shipwrecked on the Titanic but in the nick of time had been rescued. By the Lusitania.
    *
    ‘… and the princesses were beautiful as the day is long and so noble they, they could pee through a dozen mattresses—’
    ‘What?’
    Albert hesitated. ‘Something like that, anyway’
    *
    She looked around slowly and met the impertinent gaze of the doorknocker. It waggled its metal eyebrows at her and spoke indistinctly through its wrought-iron ring.
    ‘I am Princess Keli, heir to the throne of Sto Lat,’ she said haughtily … ‘And I don’t talk to door furniture.’
    ‘Fwell, I’m just a doorknocker and I can talk to fwhoever I please,’ saidthe gargoyle pleasantly. ‘And I can ftell you the fmaster iff having a trying day and duff fnot fwant to be disturbed. But you could ftry to use the magic word,’ it added. ‘Coming from an attractiff fwoman it works nine times out of eight.’
    ‘Magic word? What’s the magic word?’
    The knocker perceptibly sneered. ‘Haff you been taught nothing, miss?’
    She drew herself up to her full height, which wasn’t really worth the effort.
    ‘I have been educated,’ she informed it with icy precision, ‘by some of the finest scholars in the land.’
    The doorknocker did not appear to be impressed.
    ‘Iff they didn’t teach you the magic word,’ it said calmly, ‘they couldn’t haff fbeen all that fine.’
    Keli reached out, grabbed the heavy ring, and pounded it on the door. The knocker leered at her.
    ‘Ftreat me rough,’ it lisped. ‘That’f the way I like it!’
    ‘You’re disgusting!’
    ‘Yeff. Ooo, that waff nife, do it again …’
    The door opened a crack. There was a shadowy glimpse of curly hair.
    ‘Madam, I said we’re cl—’
    Keli sagged.
    ‘Please help me,’ she said. ‘Please!’
    ‘See?’ said the doorknocker triumphantly. ‘Sooner or later everyone remembers the magic word!’
    *
    ‘The first thing you learn when you enroll at Unseen University, I’m afraid, is that people don’t pay much attention to that sort of thing. It’s what their minds tell them that’s important.’ …
    ‘Actually it’s not the first thing you learn when you enroll,’ he added. ‘I mean, you learn where the lavatories are and all that sort of thing before that. But after all that, it’s the first thing.’
    *
    Keli drummed her fingers on the table, or tried to. It turned out to be difficult. She stared down in vague horror.
    Cutwell hurried forward and wiped the table with his sleeve.
    ‘Sorry’ he muttered, T had treacle sandwiches for supper last night.’
    *
    You can tell from the following exchange that these two are made for each other.
    ‘I don’t want to get married to anyone yet,’ Mort added. ‘And certainly not to you, no offence meant.’
    ‘I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on the Disc,’ Ysabell said sweetly.
    At least I don’t look like I’ve been eating doughnuts in a wardrobe for years,’ he said, as they stepped out on to Death’s black lawn.
    At least I walk as if my legs only had one knee each,’ she said.
    ‘My eyes aren’t two juugly poached eggs.’
    Ysabell nodded. ‘On the other hand, my ears don’t look like something growing on a dead tree. What does juugly mean?’
    ‘You know, eggs like Albert does them.’
    ‘With the white all sticky and runny and full of slimy bits?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘A good word,’ she conceded thoughtfully. ‘But my hair, I put it to you, doesn’t look like something you clean