Willie's Redneck Time Machine Read Online Free PDF Page A

open the door and steps inside. “Look at that. Hey   —maybe it’ll be like Phil & Ed’s Awesome Adventure .”
    “I think you’re talking about Bill and Ted. And it’s excellent , not awesome .”
    “Excellent, awesome, that’s what’s gonna happen when I travel in time.”
    Before you can try to hold the door open, it shuts with Si still in there.
    The lights flash   —this time they’re pink and yellow   —and a whirring engine sound fills your ears. Then it stops.
    The door opens. And, yep. Just like the last two times . . .
    No Si.
    “This is ridiculous.”
    You circle the outhouse for about the tenth time.
    Hopefully whoever is doing this and filming it is havinga good ole time. You look up to the ceiling and wave in case the camera’s up there.
    “Hey, y’all. Hope you’re having fun time traveling .”
    You stand by the door of the outhouse. Are you ready to step inside and close the door?

    If you’re finally brave enough to get in the outhouse, go here .
    If you’re still a sissy and think it’s a setup, then really . . . why don’t you take your blanket and go to bed? Or maybe just go here .

1990

    THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE when you step out the door is a row of old lockers. But not any old lockers. These are the ones they got rid of five years after you graduated.
    Hold on there.
    Yeah, that’s right. You’re walking into your old school, West Monroe High, which looks the way it did when you graduated. The way it did in, oh, let’s say around 1990.
    You stop for a second. Music is playing from the gym that’s just down the hallway. You turn and see the outhouse standing just like it was in your warehouse. This is clearly not some elaborate prank your brothers are playing on you after all. This is real. You are really here at West Monroe High School.
    A group of girls passes you by, and it’s obvious that either this really is 1990 or you’re at the best Halloweenhigh school dance ever. The girls have poufy hair that surely took cans of hair spray to put up. Their dresses are bright with shoulder pads that are as big as their hairdos.
    The year 1990 was like an eighties child having an identity crisis. Everything still felt so eighties, yet it was a whole new decade.
    You follow them toward the gym and hear a song playing.
    “‘Never gonna give you up,’” the voice sings.
    I’ve just been rickrolled.
    Of course, back then, Rick Astley was just a singer. The Internet wasn’t even around. There wasn’t a YouTube full of videos to rickroll in the first place.

    You check your phone, but naturally it doesn’t have a signal. It would be fun to text Korie from 1990.
    Guess where I am, Korie! Want me to get something out of your locker? Wonder if I can bring something back with me. Maybe it can be your birthday present!
    Yeah, you remember that you still have to get it. Maybe you can go out and buy something that would normally cost hundreds of dollars. Now, in the year 1990, it may cost only a fraction of that. Think of the savings!
    What about hitting up the local toy store for some action figures and other collectibles?
    You’ve already got a big collection of toys, many that you bought back from your kids after they received them for Christmas or their birthdays. They’re still in the original boxes and are worth something. Maybe you could head to the local Walmart and buy a bunch of G.I. Joes or Cabbage Patch dolls or whatever’s the latest craze now.
    Wait a minute . . . I’m supposed to be finding John Luke here. Not adding to my toy collection.
    As you near the entrance to the gymnasium, you see a group of guys you remember well. The Billowby brothers, Henry and Ralph, standing there with a couple of other kids.
    The Billowby brothers were the bullies of West Monroe High. Henry was in your class and Ralph a year behind him. They still look smug with their thick, wavy hair and the leather jackets they wore everywhere, even to high school dances. The two other