Who Stole the Funny? : A Novel of Hollywood Read Online Free PDF Page A

in show business, but every attempt had failed—until one day, the couple next door with five kids had a barbecue on the beach
    and, trying to be neighborly,
    invited the Pooleys.
    The Hollywood Dictionary
    The neighbors were a
    THE CREATORS/SHOWRUNNERS,
    particularly dysfunctional THE STUDIO, AND THE NETWORK:
    family. The Pooleys may
    A perpetual ménage à trois,
    have lacked all creative tal-
    with each participant trying to
    ent but they were leeches
    achieve the biggest orgasm and
    when it came to the talent of
    claim the biggest genitalia in the
    stealing other people’s lives
    relationship.
    and recording their prey’s
    2 6
    W H O S T O L E T H E F U N N Y ?
    personal problems on paper,
    The Hollywood Dictionary
    and they saw the family next
    door as a possible gold mine.
    COVERAGE: An evaluation by an
    They began finding reasons
    Executive who agrees to read a
    to hang out with their neigh-
    script. The Executive gives it to
    bors, help with the kids, go
    a college freshman in screen-
    writing school. The freshman’s
    on outings—all the while
    evaluation determines the life or
    wearing a wire. They taped
    death of a script. (Not to be con-
    every conversation and then,
    fused with film coverage: “I want
    verbatim, translated the
    another close-up, dammit!”)
    transcripts into scripts with-
    out adding a single original
    thought. Dick Beaglebum,
    as a favor to a client who also lived on the same strip of beach in Malibu, said he would send the script out for coverage.
    The coverage came back with hyperactive kudos and the sen-
    tences: “This could be the best animated show on TV. I know I’d watch it and so would all my frat brothers.” The animated show
    about a dysfunctional family was an immediate hit. The Pooleys
    were immediate players.
    Their next step: to get out of animation and earn credibility.
    That meant wearing a wire and recording a group of twenty-
    somethings whose parents leased a house for them on the prized
    Malibu beachfront property to the north of the Pooleys. Other
    than the transfer to an urban setting, the pilot episode echoed verbatim how they all met, lived in this one house, and interacted.
    The coverage came back: “Totally awesome, dude! This is how
    it really is. I’d watch these Buddies! So would my frat brothers.
    And my girlfriend says her sorority sisters would too.” Thus, the Pooleys became A-list players with two megahit shows, and were
    feared and admired by the industry.
    “Who the fuck is J.T. Baker ?” Stephanie asked, with a wicked look plastered on her Aryan, surgically altered face. She was the R o b b y
    B e n s o n
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    pit bull of the two Pooleys—not necessarily the most dangerous, she just had a bite that wouldn’t let go: an important survival skill when dealing with the network and the studio.
    “No offense, but you two are a little too young to know J.T.’s work,” Dick wisely explained.
    “Young is good,” Stephanie replied, like a trained dog.
    “Young is good,” her husband repeated grudgingly.
    Dick echoed the Hollywood mantra. “Yes. Young is always good.” He continued, “J.T. Baker is an old client of mine.”
    “Old?” the Pooleys said in concert. “Old is bad,” they said in
    unrehearsed harmony.
    “He’s been my client for fifteen years,” Dick explained with a
    mischievous smile. “Every once in a while, I throw him a bone.”
    Dick took a sip of his coffee and began laying out his strategy with the Pooleys. “No one likes him. He’s far too dedicated . And—
    get this—he’s a college professor !” Dick said with disdain. “He lives in the mountains of Bum-fuck Someplace back East, and here’s
    the kicker: He used to be famous! ”
    “Well then, why the fuck
    do we want this old has-
    been ?” Marcus screamed.
    The Hollywood Dictionary
    “A fucking has-been ?
    You represent us and you’re
    YOUNG: Good!
    pitching a fucking old has-
    OLD: Bad! (This definition has
    been to direct our baby ?”
    become a