While I'm Falling Read Online Free PDF Page A

it’s getting colder, I think.” She leaned forward and fiddled with the heater again. “I’ve got to get him in to the vet. He’s stiff. He sleeps all the time. And he’s so cranky.”
    “He’s old.”
    “No. It’s more than that. I’ve got to take him in.” She nodded as if making a decision. “But don’t worry about that.” She looked out into the night sky. “So what are you going to do tonight?”
    I rolled my lips together. There was no point in talking. She did not hear me. “I’m going to study,” I said slowly. “I’m going to study like I do every night.”
    “Oh. What are you going to study?”
    “Chemistry. I have a test on Tuesday.”
    “Honey. It’s only Wednesday.”
    I looked at her. Make up your mind, I wanted to say. Make up your mind about how I should be.
    She patted my leg. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.” She held her hand up to the heating vent. “Your sister is always busy. Always worried about the next big case, the next big meeting, can’t talk on the phone, she’s got to work. But you both always do fine.” She sounded sad, her voice wrong for the words. “You both always do so well.”
    “Not anymore.”
    “What?” She leaned forward to look at me.
    “Nothing.”
    “Honey. Tell me what you just said.” She reached over and pulled her old move, tickling beneath my chin until I raised it.
    I held up both hands to the dash. “I just…You don’t understand the way that it’s hard. The test.”
    She leaned back. “Oh.”
    We sat without talking for maybe a minute, listening to the idling engine. Three girls walked arm-in-arm across the lawn. They were coming from the direction of the dining hall, their faces bowed against the wind. I thought I recognized one of them from my floor. I couldn’t be sure.
    “I’d better go in,” I said.
    “Right,” she said. “On duty.”
    I opened the door, but her hand fell on the sleeve of my coat. She held tight until I turned back.
    “Don’t forget your leftovers.” She nodded at the paper box of Chicken Satay. “But, honey, if you don’t have a refrigerator you can put that in, you should probably just throw it away. You don’t want to mess with food poisoning.”
    “Gotcha.” I stepped out of the van with the box.
    She reached for my sleeve. I turned back.
    “Honey.” Her face was pale in the interior light. “I just want you to know that…” She kept her hand on the sleeve, holding me there. “I know I’m a little bit…maybe kind of a mess right now. But I still love you so much. I’m still here for you.”
    For just a moment, it felt like before, when she was just my mother, her gaze so focused and full of love and worry for me. But even now that she was smiling at me and saying these nice words, I could see something wasn’t right, or at least not the same. My eyes moved over her face in a slow spiral. She’d stopped getting her hair done, getting it highlighted, whatever she used to do to it. I could see strands of gray even in the semidarkness of her car. I said nothing. I didn’t want to interrupt her. I wanted to believe what she was saying was true.
    “And maybe I don’t understand the way that test will be hard, but I’m still rooting for you. I want you to do great.” She squeezed my arm and smiled. “You’ve got your whole life in front of you. I just want you to make good decisions. It’s so important for you to make good decisions right now.”
    I nodded, my eyes on hers. Her eyes, at least, had not changed, and so I made certain they were the last thing I noticed before I shut the door. When I got to the dorm’s front entrance, I could still hear the idling engine of her van. Whenever she dropped me off after dark, she always waited, headlights shining, until I was safely inside.

2
    I DID NOT ALWAYS want to be a doctor. I had only known, for a very long time, that I did not want to be a lawyer. Elise is six years older than I am, and so growing up, I didn’t feel competitive