What's His Passion 2 - Climbing the Savage Mountain Read Online Free PDF

invade my mind and all I knew was there was someone out there who had cared about me at some point. I would pray that you would give me another chance, once I got my act together.”
    “Why didn’t you return right after you got out?” Toby nuzzled Jensen’s palm.
    “I might have been clean, but I certainly didn’t have myself together. I had to figure out a way to function without the numbness—a way to accept all the shit I couldn’t do anything about while fixing what I could. I didn’t want you to become my next addiction, Toby. I didn’t want to force you to be the ‘sane’ one while I worked the rest of my shit out.”
    “I would’ve done it. I would’ve gladly been the one you leaned on while you got better,” he whispered.
    Jensen curled up to press a kiss on his lips. “I know that, but I didn’t want that for you. It’s not healthy. I needed to find my own strength, so I could lean on myself first. Trust me, even sober, it wasn’t pretty there for a year or two after rehab. There were times when Jigger and Cat didn’t even want to be around me.”
    Toby frowned and Jensen grimaced, obviously trying to think of a better way to explain what he meant.
    “Leaning is a two-way street. If I’m to lean on you, you have to have the trust that I’ll be here for you to lean on as well. Do you understand that?”
    He nodded.
    “But for a while there, I wasn’t strong enough to be leaned against. I wouldn’t have been able to be the foundation you needed to build any dream on. I wasn’t stable and my own core was built on shifting sand for a long time.” Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “As I learned how to climb, I learned to be patient and to become a person others could trust to be there to help them find their way up or down the mountain. Eventually I discovered I trusted myself not to crumble if things got tough. I wouldn’t reach for drugs—or alcohol—to get me through the trouble. I need a clear mind when I climb. A mistake of a millimeter could be life—or death—and I won’t risk that for myself, you or any of my climbing partners.”
    “Thank you for including me in that,” Toby told him.
    “Of course. You’re foremost in my mind when I’m climbing.”
    “God, I hope not.” Toby tried to sound horrified. “You need to keep your brain a hundred percent focused on the trail ahead of you.”
    Jensen punched him in the chest and they laughed while Toby rubbed the spot.
    “You know what I’m talking about. You’re the reason I take every precaution to get up and down the mountains safely. I know you’re waiting for me and I refuse not to come back to you. I did that once and it hurt both of us.”
    It had hurt them both. Toby knew that and it was one of the reasons why he still had doubts buried deep in his soul about Jensen sticking around. Yet it was something he had to work through on his own because Jensen was doing as he promised and kept returning.
    “I appreciate the caution.” Toby rested his fingertips on Jensen’s chest over his heart. “I’m getting used to having you around. I’d hate to have to learn how to live without you again.”
    A yawn surprised him and Jensen chuckled.
    “We need to get some sleep. You have work in the morning and I have to start getting my shit organized for the trip.”
    There was some bumping and shoving as they got situated on the bed again, blankets covering them. Toby kissed Jensen goodnight.
    “Dream about something amazing tonight,” he ordered.
    “I’ll dream about you,” Jensen replied.
     
     

Chapter Four
     
     
     
    At the end of the valley and above the glacier Everest rises, not so much a peak as a prodigious mountain-mass…the highest of the world’s mountains, it seems, has to make but a single gesture of magnificence to be lord of all, vast in unchallenged and isolated supremacy.
     
    —George Mallory
     
     
     
    “I ordered a new sleeping bag,” Jensen told Jigger as he propped his