We Interrupt This Date Read Online Free PDF Page B

over the back of
the seat, so I had to inch forward to keep his hand off my
shoulder. Suddenly I didn’t want him touching me. The date I’d
looked forward to, the only bright spot in my day had started out
being about as much fun as a field trip to a fish processing
plant.
    After an awkward silence, Herman said, “Patty
tells me you work in the office at a pawnshop.” He ran his fingers
across the seat as if he were assessing the quality of the
leather.
    “I answer the phones, do the billing, collect
payments,” I said without looking at him.
    “Ouch.”
    “Excuse me?” I shifted position so I could
lean toward the window and away from him.
    “You know.” He waved his hand in the air near
my face. “I’d never settle for a dead end job like that, but then
I’ve got a business degree from Clemson. I’ve worked myself up in
sales, that’s why they’re transferring me from Columbia to
Charleston.”
    “Really. How nice for you.”
    I could have pointed out that I, too, was
educated, but a degree in English didn’t help much when a woman had
been out of the job market for almost twenty years. I’d spent my
best years holding down a homemaking gig for a husband who
eventually traded me in for an enhanced model. A lady did not brag
and she was not rude. Two of Mama’s most important rules, even
though I’d fallen far short when it came to ladyhood.
    After Kyle found a parking spot only two blocks from
Gump’s, I let Herman walk beside me on the sidewalk. I pasted on a
pleasant smile--actually more of a smilette, since it didn’t reach
my eyes. As we strolled along behind Kyle and Patty, I made a
remark about the nice cool weather—safe topic--and pointed out
objects in the shop windows we passed, pretending to be especially
interested in a faux marble statue of a dog anointing a fire
hydrant. But when he tried to put his hand on the small of my back
again, I slid out of reach.
    Half an hour later, standing in front of the
ladies room sink, I wished I’d opted for a standard stomach flu
excuse and gone home. My first date in twenty years, and I would
have been better off sharing an evening with Mama, letting her
lecture me on the topic of her choosing. Or maybe I should have let
her fix me up with Church Stanley.
    I’d gone to the ladies room to rinse sauce
from Dixie style baby back ribs off the front of my blouse. Said
sauce had been accidentally deposited there by Herman, don’t judge,
he’s named after his father.
    Surely some people were compatible even if
they’d met by way of the time-honored fix-up. Why had the gods not
favored me? Why had my first dip back into the dating pool not been
a gentle splash instead of a dive off the high board into freezing
water.
    I wondered if I needed to suggest that Herman
consider investing in a personality transplant, maybe something
with a dab of humor and a lot more humility. Of course, the good
manners drilled into me over the years by no less a southern lady
than my mother, had not allowed me to do more than nod and smile
and pretend I was having a fantastic time.
    Herman’s face, slightly blurry in the way
fleshy features often are, had so far shown only two
expressions—disapproving and smug. When I mentioned that my mother
had a couple of Chihuahuas which tried to outdo each other in
yapping, his response was, “Well, they would. Your basic Chihuahua
has tiny vocal chords that can’t emit a deep throaty sound like,
say, your basic German Shepherd.”
    Yeah , I
thought glaring at him, and your basic
jerk probably has tiny…never mind.
    I’d poured myself a second glass of wine and
taken a big gulp, though I wasn’t used to drinking and was already
slightly tipsy. It was then that Herman managed to drop his fork in
the middle of his plate and splat sauce—in an unattractive map of
the world pattern--across the front of my blouse.
    Patty had sat across from me with Kyle. Kyle
is not my type, either, even if he wasn’t already taken. Kyle
thinks no