Ways and Means Read Online Free PDF

take?’
    ‘He didn’t say.’
    ‘I bet they’ve taken his stamp collection,’ put in Nicholas. ‘He’s always boasted how much it’s worth, but between you and me it’s a lot of rubbish.’
    ‘He’ll never get away with it,’ put in the doctor. ‘It’s just too good to be true. When the insurance company gets to know what the position is, they won’t stand for it. Just about to have the bailiffs in — and the kindly burglar arrives. How very thoughtful. As you said, Isabel, how very convenient.’
    ‘We must see that he doesn’t get away with it,’ said the General.
    ‘I think you’re right, General,’ said the Vicar. He had memories which still rankled. ‘How many years can you get for fraud?’
    Everyone turned to the Judge.
    ‘I don’t think I ought to join this discussion, you know. He may come up before me again.’
    So the talk went on, everyone, except the Judge, putting in his or her contribution. Eventually it was just dying down when Colonel Murphy arrived. ‘I’ve got some news,’ he almost shouted.
    Everyone crowded round while Colonel Murphy told them that Basil had just reported to the police that his house had been broken into and that valuables to the extent of about £3,000 had been stolen.
    ‘Including a stamp collection?’ asked Nicholas.
    ‘Including a stamp collection,’ said the Colonel, ‘value £1,000.’
    Talk on the one subject flared up again and the Judge decided he must go.
    ‘Don’t be so prim and proper, George,’ said the General. ‘You’re not on the Bench now. How much can you get for fraud?’
    ‘It depends on the kind of fraud. No, I won’t be drawn into it. I must leave you to gloat among yourselves, I’m afraid. Anyway,’ he could not resist adding, in the tones of Robin Oakapple, ‘if a man can’t steal his own goods, whose goods can he steal?’
    ‘But a man can’t steal his own goods,’ came in Dr Sainsbury in the voice of Sir Roderick Murgatroyd.
    ‘A man might try,’ said the Judge in the manner of Pooh Bah, and, with that parting shot, he left.
    After the Judge had gone, the party grew more hilarious and the fate of Basil was seldom absent from the conversation in at least one part of the room. Meanwhile, Nicholas was drinking rather more than was apparently good for him. Eventually people started to go. Nicholas was one of the last, and he left with Dr Sainsbury, who was also a little the worse for wear.
    ‘I say, Doctor,’ he said a little uncertainly, ‘don’t you think it would be fun to go and commiserate with that jolly old uncle of mine?’
    The idea appealed to the doctor, and the two of them went off to find him. The door was open when they arrived, so they walked straight in and found Basil in the sitting-room.
    ‘My poor, poor Uncle,’ began Nicholas, ‘we have come to weep with you.’
    ‘Nicholas, you’re drunk. Get out. Doctor, take him away.’
    ‘My poor Uncle. What does it feel like to be burgled inside out?’
    ‘Are you going, or shall I ring for the police?’
    ‘Police, dear old Uncle? Police? I shouldn’t send for them. They might take you away with them. How much did the Judge say he could get?’
    ‘He didn’t.’
    ‘Oh — no, I remember — he just said — most reasonably — what was it? — oh, yes, I remember — Gilbert and Sullivan,’ and he repeated the dialogue between the Judge and Doctor.
    ‘What else has anybody been saying?’
    ‘Oh, terrible things, my poor, burgled, and over-insured Uncle. The General said —‘ and he repeated some of the General’s choicer remarks.
    ‘I’m afraid I wasn’t too kind myself, dear old Uncle. I spoke about your stamp collection. That was naughty of me, and the old doctor here — well, he did say in the end that you couldn’t steal your own goods — which was rather decent of him. Good for you, Doctor.’
    For about a quarter of an hour Basil encouraged Nicholas and the doctor to describe in detail the delights of the cocktail party. When