Walking on Eggshells: Discovering Strength and Courage Amid Chaos Read Online Free PDF Page B

between us at that stage of our lives, however, was huge, especially as Barbara’s friends were all a few years older than she was. It made finding things to do together difficult, as we were into very different activities.
    My after-school hours became a nightmare. At first I spent that time alone in my room listening to music on my stereo. But what I really wanted to do was spend time with Barbara and Tucker. However, they often had friends over. On a typical afternoon, Dad would pop his head out of his room and instruct my siblings to play with me. Their version of that, though, was to allow two of their friends to make me watch as they messed around on the floor, which turned into the two friends having sex. My siblings also often stuck me in a closet in Barbara’s room with a thirteen-inch TV/VCR combo and a pile of porn videos. On another occasion they made me watch as their friends killed a cat and drank the blood. This was during a time when my siblings Goth tendencies became overshadowed by devil worship. As much as I believe in God and in the power of good, I also believe in the devil and the evil that follows him. At this time in my life I learned that hard lesson.
    I also loved animals, so the cat killing was especially traumatizingfor me. I was very young and impressionable; at only eight years old all I wanted was to fit in. What I heard and saw during those afternoons gave me a totally unrealistic picture of life, love, and relationships.
    Today I have gained enough perspective to understand that the dysfunction in which I grew up made it much harder for me to understand normal. I have just now begun to recognize and understand healthy relationships, but for me, I had to understand unhealthy first.

Three
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Family Ties
    T oday I know where my children are at all times. As a child I got into my most serious trouble when I was unsupervised, which is why I keep such close tabs on my kids. If I lose sight of them, whether it is at the supermarket, the park, or the mall, I instantly panic and feel helpless and breathless until my eyes reach their adorable blond heads. The mere thought of being separated from them makes me petrified.
    Even though my life at home was not as good as it could be when I was young, the thought of being separated from my family terrified me. I loved my family fiercely. We were like a gang, the Chapman Gang, and what stability and comfort I had in life came directly from them. But my greatest fear was to come true twice in the coming months.
    By this time we had moved again. One day after school when Barbara and Tucker were still in their Goth phase, I found myself sitting on the floor in the center of a circle surrounded by my two siblings and their friends. What was most interesting to me, however, was that everyone took turns blowing smoke in my face from a joint they all shared. I got stoned right away, and I remember the good feeling I had when everyone laughed. I felt good not just because of the pot, but also because this particular kind of laughter, to me, meant acceptance.
    I was so happy to be included in any activity my older brother and sister might initiate that I didn’t give any thought to how appropriate the activity might—or might not—be. I could tell that Tucker wasn’t too keen on me actually smoking pot myself, but his resolve lasted only a few days, and before I knew it, I had my own joint to keep me busy while I watched the porn videos in the closet.
    Fortunately I also had other, more appropriate, avenues of entertainment. Dad has always been an animal lover, and we had lots of animals around when I was growing up. If we saw something cute, he let us bring it home. Pets are such friends, especially to little girls who don’t have many companions. They are also great teachers.
    I remember that Dad bought me a little lovebird that I named Rockadoodle. I loved this bird so much! He sat on my finger and I spent hours listening to him sing catchy tunes. One