even as sheâs succeeding. Poor Vanessa, whose being
in
the paper is overshadowed by the fact that she can barely read it.
And poor her, for having only been able to have one child, who turned out to be such an unintellectual disappointment.
I stand up from the couch before this conversation can veer any further into the same familiar territory,my feet moving toward the stairs as if theyâve got minds of their own. âIâm going up to read.â
She doesnât say anything as I head up, and I can hear the flick of her newspaper as she picks it back up, as if I were never there.
Once upstairs, I change into shorts and a sports bra, grab my sides, and get on the treadmill to run lines while I walk. But even in my zone, and even though my parents have been pulling this kind of unsupportive crap for
years
, my motherâs words continue to penetrate my brain. Because a big part of me knows sheâs right. Not about the age thingâI look young enough that Iâll probably be able to pull off playing high school well into my twentiesâbut about the fact that I canât guarantee thereâll be another role for an Asian-American actress when
Daylight Falls
ends.
Even this past summer, while my costars (e.g. Liam) were starring in career-making roles, I was stuck playing yet another science nerd, this time in a stupid slasher movie. The fact that I actually suck at science only rubbed salt in the gaping wound of my career.
The only person who gets itâlike,
really
gets itâis my costar Jamal. Where I get roles like âscience nerdâ and âmed student,â he gets âguy on the basketball teamâ and âtoken black friend who bites it first in every horror movie.â Weâre practically our own freaking drinking game.
We both know weâre lucky to be on a show with two people of color in the main cast, but just the fact that it
is
lucky feels crappy. Even with good reviews on the show, I still get people thinking Iâm only on it to fill some sort of racial quotaâas if the role of BaileySummers hadnât actually been written for a blonde and given to me because I was just
better
than everyone else.
Whatever.
I read through all my lines a few times, trying some different tones and affects until I feel Bailey fully inhabit my body again, and then I grab my phone. I need to get out of this house. Iâm not really in the mood to see Zander, but he
did
ask me what I was up to tonight in his text earlier, and itâs not like Allyâs free. I reply to his earlier text with,
Having dinner w/u?
After five minutes of waiting for a response, I give up and go take a shower. When I get out, though, I see I have a reply text.
Sounds good
Zanderâs really big on smiley faces. He signs his freaking autographs with them. My ânice girlâ rep is nothing compared to his ânice boyâ one.
We agree on a Jade-approved placeâheight of trendy, lots of exposureâand then I text Ally.
Need u to pick me a hot outfit ASAP.
Sheâs always slower to respond when sheâs with Liam, and I get to work on drying my hair and carefully applying my eyeliner while I wait. When thereâs still no response and I know Iâm cutting it close, I huff out a breath and pull on a pair of black leather shorts and a sheer-ish, sleeveless polka-dot blouse I immediately see makes it clear I havenât logged enough time in the sun this summer. I trade the blouse for a fuchsia one that looks way better against my skin and make a mental note to book a spray-tan appointmentâsomething Ally used to do for me once upon a time without my even having to tell her it was time for another one. Itâs kind of sucked, watching her besomeone elseâs assistant, but not as much as itâll suck watching her leave.
I glance back at my phone. Still no answer from Ally, but thereâs a new text from Zander giving me a heads-up that