Troubles and Treats Read Online Free PDF

and fro.  You should never be able to tie them
     in a knot OR a bow.

Chapter 4 – Downwind Lapping Dog
     
    “HE CALLED SHIT, POOP!”
    I laugh out loud and put up my hand so my daughter can give me a high five.
    I can’t help but laugh whenever Veronica quotes her and her brother’s namesake movie:
     Billy Madison.  We are curled up on the couch together, watching the best movie of
     all time, and Billy is asleep in his swing a few feet away.
    Jenny walks in the door a few minutes later.  Actually, she limps in the door and
     hobbles across the room until she makes it to the couch and sits down on the other
     side of Veronica, giving her a kiss on the head.
    “Mommy, you gots a boo-boo?” Veronica asks her.
    I stare in horror at Jenny as she pulls the footstool closer and props her leg up
     on top of it, leaning back into the couch and pulling Veronica onto her lap.
    Oh my God.  This is it.  This is the fake injury.  How should I play this?  Should
     I call her out immediately and tell her she’s a big, fat liar?  Wait, never call a
     woman fat.  Especially after pregnancy, even if you’re just joking.  Lives will be
     lost.  Maybe I should just play along and keep my cool.
    “Yes, mommy has a boo-boo,” Jenny replies with a sigh.
    “HA HA!  YOU GOT HURT!” I yell.
    Jenny gives me a dirty look and I quickly wipe the smile off of my face.
    What the fuck was that?  I shouldn’t be happy if she’s injured, right?  Play it cool,
     man.  Play it cool.
    “I mean, that sucks that you got hurt.  You hurt yourself.  That’s just sucky.  I
     mean, because you know, you hurt yourself.”
    There. Much better.  Be calm, be cool. She’ll never know you suspect anything.
    Jenny’s dirty look never leaves her face and I start to squirm.  “You couldn’t have
     picked up a little today?  This house is a mess.”
    I look around at all of the toys on the floor and the dirty dishes on the coffee table.
    “We were busy watching movies,” I explain.
    She turns and looks at the TV, noticing for the first time what we’re watching.
    “You have seriously got to quit watching this stupid movie.  Veronica doesn’t stop quoting it as it is,” Jenny complains
     with a sigh.
    This worker’s comp fraud has already changed her!  She used to love this movie.  Nooooooooo!
    “So, how did you hurt yourself?  You know, when you really hurt yourself,” I ask,
     folding my hands in my lap and acting concerned.
    She can’t know that you know.  What if it’s like that TV show, When Animals Attack? 
     She might just come at you, bro.
    “Well, I decided to leave work a little early and try a yoga class.  It turns out
     I’m not as flexible as I used to be,” she tells me.
    Is yoga her code word for something?  Is that what she’s calling “sticking it to the
     man” now?  I wonder if she has a group of minions working for her, helping her with
     this elaborate lie.  Yoga – yeah right!
    “I tried doing that Downwind Lapping Dog thing and I twisted my ankle,” she finishes,
     resting her head on the back of the couch and closing her eyes.
    See?  I totally caught her in her lie.  Downwind Lapping Dog isn’t the name of a yoga
     move. It’s a Chinese proverb or something, like, “He who fart in church sit in stinky
     pew.”  I think it goes, “He who is downwind of lapping dog make bump-bump in pants.”
    “So does Claire know?  Did you tell Claire?  What did Claire say?” I question.
    “No, why would Claire know?  After class I just wanted to get home and put my foot
     up.  I haven’t had a chance to talk to her yet.”
    Ahhhh, so she’s biding her time, formulating a plan.  I got ya.
    Jenny picks Veronica up from her lap and sets her back down next to her, pushes herself
     up off of the couch, and starts hobbling towards the kitchen.
    “Where are you going?” I ask.
    “I need to get some ice for my ankle,” she replies as she uses the wall to support
     her as she goes.
    Wow,