Thud! Read Online Free PDF Page B

just before Koom Valley Day,” Nobby observed.
    “Yeah, but Hamcrusher’s really got them on the boil and no mistake.” Colon removed his helmet and wiped his brow. “I told Sam about my water, and he was impressed.”
    “Well, he would be,” Nobby agreed. “It would impress anyone.”
    Colon tapped his nose. “There’s a storm coming, Nobby.”
    “Not a cloud in the sky, Sarge,” Nobby observed.
    “Figure of speech, Nobby, figure of speech.” Colon sighed and glanced sideways at his friend. When he continued, it was in the hesitant tones of a man with something on his mind. “As a matter of fact, Nobby, there was another matter about which, per say, I wanted to speak to you about, man to—” there was only the tiniest hesitation, “—man.”
    “Yes, Sarge?”
    “Now you know, Nobby, that I’ve always taken a pers’nal interest in your moral well-being, what with you havin’ no dad to put your feet on the proper path…”
    “That’s right, Sarge. I would have strayed no end if you hadn’t,” said Nobby virtuously.
    “Well, you know you was telling me about that girl you’re goin’ out with, what was her name, now…”
    “Tawneee, Sarge?”
    “That’s the…bunny. The one you said worked in a club, right?”
    “That’s right. Is there a problem, Sarge?” said Nobby anxiously.
    “Not as such. But when you was on your day off last week, me an’ Constable Jolson got called into the Pink PussyCat Club, Nobby. You know? There’s pole-dancing and table dancing and stuff of that nature? And you know ol’ Mrs. Spudding what lives in New Cobblers?”
    “Ol’ Mrs. Spudding with the wooden teeth, Sarge?”
    “The very same, Nobby,” said Colon magisterially. “She does the cleaning in there. And it appears that when she come in at eight o’clock in the morning ae-em, with no one else about, Nobby, well, I hardly like to say this, but it appears she took it into her head to have a twirl on the pole.”
    They shared a moment of silence as Nobby ran this image in the cinema of his imagination and hastily consigned much of it to the cutting-room floor.
    “But she must be seventy-five, Sarge!” he said, staring at nothing in fascinated horror.
    “A girl can dream, Nobby, a girl can dream. O’course, she forgot she wasn’t as limber as she used to be, plus she got her foot caught in her long drawers and panicked when her dress fell over her head. She was in a bad way when the manager came in, having been upside down for three hours, with her false teeth fallen out on the floor. Wouldn’t let go of the pole, too. Not a pretty sight, I trust I do not have to draw you a picture. Come the finish, Precious Jolson had to rip the pole out top and bottom and we slid her off. That girl’s got the muscles of a troll, Nobby, I’ll swear it. And then, Nobby, when we was bringing her ’round behind the scenes, this young lady wearing two sequins and a bootlace comes up and says she’s a friend of yours! I did not know where to put my face!”
    “You’re not supposed to put it anywhere, Sarge. They throw you out for that sort of thing,” observed Nobby.
    “You never told me she was a pole dancer, Nobby!” Fred wailed.
    “Don’t say it like that, Sarge.” Nobby sounded a little hurt. “This is modern times. And she’s got class, Tawneee has. She even brings her own pole. No hanky-panky.”
    “But, I mean…showin’ her body off in lewd ways, Nobby! Dancing around without her vest and practic’ly no drawers on. Is that any way to behave?”
    Nobby considered this deep metaphysical question from various angles.
    “Er…yes?” he ventured.
    “Anyway, I thought you were still walking out with Verity Pushpram? That’s a handy little seafood stall she runs,” Colon said, sounding as though he was pleading a case.
    “Oh, Hammerhead’s a nice girl if you catch her on a good day, Sarge,” Nobby conceded.
    “You mean those days when she doesn’t tell you to bugger off and chases you down