This Is a Book Read Online Free PDF Page B
Author: Demetri Martin
get me started.” The room fell silent for a moment. Then Socrates, with great profundity, whispered, “And where the hell is my Agent?”
And with that, Socrates Pappandreopoulos, philosopher, handyman, and overexposed media icon, drank the hemlock and took his last breath.
E PILOGUE:
After his death, Socrates did indeed become quite famous. Of course, he was dead at that point, so it didn’t really do much for him. On the other hand, it did wonders for his Publicist. Jackie went on to work with Aristotle, Pericles, and an array of other local celebrities before marrying a marble tycoon and settling down in the posh neighborhood just beyond the Acropolis.
Statistics
Hammocks are responsible for oer 90% of the cases in which someone who is overweight is forgotten at a picnic.
The unicycle is the most effective form of birth control in the world.
Nearly ½ of all people in the United States are torsos.
4 out of 5 dentists who chew gum also have a small ponytail and an earring.
America is the leading exporter of the phrase “Oh no he didn’t!”
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
The average person will eat more than 25 pounds of meat if offered enough money to do it.
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).
Football is the leading cause of someone annoying other people at a party who are just trying to have a conversation without listening to some asshole yell at a TV.
Men are 35 times more likely than women to be turned on by looking at a wedgie.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make him scream a lot.
Brooches account for nearly 80% of all conversations between women over the age of 75.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Per capita, just about everyone has no idea what a “capita” is.
This year, Americans officially became fatter than snowmen.
You are 10 times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Bee Sting
M AUREEN
I was in the park, having a picnic with some friends. All of a sudden, a bee started to circle around my head. Then the bee attacked me. I calmly attempted to shoo it away, but it would not leave me alone. Then it became even more aggressive. I then tried to move away, but the agitated bee followed me. Hoping to stop its assault, I attempted to gently swat it away with a magazine. I missed, and, sure enough, the bee stung me. I’d never been stung by a bee before. It hurt, but I did my best to grin and bear it. I put some ointment on the bee sting, and after that I felt fine.
B RENDA (M AUREEN’S F RIEND )
I was on my phone when Maureen got stung by the bee. felt bad for her. But I think she overreacted a little bit if you ask me, especially when she started to scream and wildly swing her arms around. It was really pretty embarrassing.
B EE
I was in the middle of another busy workday, flying my usual route. I was on my way back to the hive, minding my own business, when an enormous, fleshy monster began to scream, and thenit spastically lunged at me. At first I thought I might have flown into the middle of a medical emergency or some sort of tribal dance that the monster was performing. But then it quickly became clear that the monster was trying to kill me. I turned around and started to fly away. But the monster became even more enraged and began to chase me. I could not escape it. I flew faster, but the wailing beast pursued me and kept swinging its rolled-up paper weapon at me. As much as I didn’t want to, I had no choice but to sting the monster. It was the only thing I could do to stop it from following me home and threatening the well-being of the hive or worse, the safety of my family. I hoped that if I stung the
And with that, Socrates Pappandreopoulos, philosopher, handyman, and overexposed media icon, drank the hemlock and took his last breath.
E PILOGUE:
After his death, Socrates did indeed become quite famous. Of course, he was dead at that point, so it didn’t really do much for him. On the other hand, it did wonders for his Publicist. Jackie went on to work with Aristotle, Pericles, and an array of other local celebrities before marrying a marble tycoon and settling down in the posh neighborhood just beyond the Acropolis.
Statistics
Hammocks are responsible for oer 90% of the cases in which someone who is overweight is forgotten at a picnic.
The unicycle is the most effective form of birth control in the world.
Nearly ½ of all people in the United States are torsos.
4 out of 5 dentists who chew gum also have a small ponytail and an earring.
America is the leading exporter of the phrase “Oh no he didn’t!”
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
The average person will eat more than 25 pounds of meat if offered enough money to do it.
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).
Football is the leading cause of someone annoying other people at a party who are just trying to have a conversation without listening to some asshole yell at a TV.
Men are 35 times more likely than women to be turned on by looking at a wedgie.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make him scream a lot.
Brooches account for nearly 80% of all conversations between women over the age of 75.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Per capita, just about everyone has no idea what a “capita” is.
This year, Americans officially became fatter than snowmen.
You are 10 times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Bee Sting
M AUREEN
I was in the park, having a picnic with some friends. All of a sudden, a bee started to circle around my head. Then the bee attacked me. I calmly attempted to shoo it away, but it would not leave me alone. Then it became even more aggressive. I then tried to move away, but the agitated bee followed me. Hoping to stop its assault, I attempted to gently swat it away with a magazine. I missed, and, sure enough, the bee stung me. I’d never been stung by a bee before. It hurt, but I did my best to grin and bear it. I put some ointment on the bee sting, and after that I felt fine.
B RENDA (M AUREEN’S F RIEND )
I was on my phone when Maureen got stung by the bee. felt bad for her. But I think she overreacted a little bit if you ask me, especially when she started to scream and wildly swing her arms around. It was really pretty embarrassing.
B EE
I was in the middle of another busy workday, flying my usual route. I was on my way back to the hive, minding my own business, when an enormous, fleshy monster began to scream, and thenit spastically lunged at me. At first I thought I might have flown into the middle of a medical emergency or some sort of tribal dance that the monster was performing. But then it quickly became clear that the monster was trying to kill me. I turned around and started to fly away. But the monster became even more enraged and began to chase me. I could not escape it. I flew faster, but the wailing beast pursued me and kept swinging its rolled-up paper weapon at me. As much as I didn’t want to, I had no choice but to sting the monster. It was the only thing I could do to stop it from following me home and threatening the well-being of the hive or worse, the safety of my family. I hoped that if I stung the
Similar Books
Delusional Love (2nd Edition)
Sage Young
League of Strays
L. B. Schulman
Wicked End
Bella Jeanisse
Firebrand
P. K. Eden
Angel Mine
Sherryl Woods
Duncan
Teresa Gabelman
No Good to Cry
Andrew Lanh
Devils Kiss
Zoe Archer
Songs From the Stars
Norman Spinrad