Therapy Read Online Free PDF

from my dresser, and pull it on over my wet hair. I finish getting dressed for bed and pull out the box from my nightstand.
    The weight of the night sits heavily on my shoulders and I feel numb. Numb to the pain, numb to the humiliation. I want to feel something; to know that I’m here, that I’m alive. With this I’m in control; I can control the depth of the cut, the length, and the blood flow. It belongs to me and only me. Here, in the privacy of my room, I can break through the deadness that is my life. It brings me calm, resolve. I bury myself alive on the inside every day just so I can shut everything else out.
    The scarlet liquid oozes from the cut as I drag the razor across my flesh. Despite the physical pain, I’m comforted by the familiarity of the act, the internal release. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and exhale, ignoring the sting and bite of the blade, because at this very moment, the pain is what I revel in. I press down a bit harder, needing to feel more in order to feel anything at all.
    I pull it away and wipe it down with alcohol, placing the razor back in its box. Drawing my eyebrows together, I wince as I rub the alcohol swab across the fresh cut and apply pressure. Grabbing a bandage, I place it over the cut, concealing a wound that will leave yet another scar.
    I pull out my journal and begin my other form of release—writing.

    Drowning in my thoughts
    I wear a mask
    I’m a facade
    I’m okay, I’m strong
    Masquerading lies
    Beyond my defenses
    Beyond the layers
    Behind the walls
    Beneath the chains
    There’s a broken child
    Fighting a battle
    It’s a daily war
    Confusion and pain
    Playing tug-o-war
    Love, hate
    Yes, no
    I really never know
    Watching life go by
    An outsider
    Absence of self
    Screaming in silence
    Fearing this is a battle
    One that I’ll never win
    Regrets
    Loss
    I continue waging war on myself
    Wishing for
    Someone, anyone
    To stop the fight...

    I close the journal and put it away. I reach for my phone, scrolling down to Harrison’s contact. I press delete and store him away with the rest in the back of my mind; with all the others who used me, left me, and never looked back.
    My phone buzzes with a text notification from a number I don’t recognize. I open the message and it’s just a link. I tap it and I’m taken to a video on YouTube. As soon as I click the play button, I know what it is. They recorded me being kicked, beaten. You can’t see their faces, only mine. I sit here and relive it all over again. I scroll down to the comments and there it is—all of their hate. One comment after another trashing me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I exit out of it and sink back into a numb, comfortable place. A place where they can’t hurt me. I should cry, throw something, scream, or break something, but I just sit here with two thoughts circling round and round.
    They’re never going to stop.
    This is just my life.
    I grab my iPod and put my earbuds in. I can never fall asleep in silence. My thoughts scream, flashing behind my eyelids, unless I have music playing in my ears. Music is a form of therapy that brings me comfort. I press play on my Amy Lee playlist and close my eyes. The lyrics of “Sweet Sacrifice” flow into my ears and I write a little bit more before drifting off to sleep.

    You grip me once you’ve ensnared me
    Into your trap I fell
    Your words hurt and berate me
    Still I don’t know why you hate me
    Everyday you imprison me
    Within the walls of your anger
    Sad and all alone
    Confused and beaten down
    Will it ever stop or am I forever bound?
    Looking into your cold angry eyes I realize... you’ll never stop
    You’ll never go away
    Your words
    Your hate
    They’re here to stay
    How do I escape you?
    Tell me Bully
    What would you do if you were me and I were you?

    Squeezing as hard as you can
    You’ve ensnared me
    Into your web I’ve fallen
    You’re words hurt me
    Berate Me
    Every day you imprison me
    Within your walls of anger
    I