The Year I Went Pear-Shaped Read Online Free PDF

was also going hard on the laxatives, living on boiled chicken and having colonic irrigations every second day as well. Her doctor says her bowel might not recover but she reckons it was worth it! She looked amazing at the Randwick Races Spring Fest party. Even Hugo commented on how good she was looking and normally he doesn’t have eyes for anyone but me; he’s such a sweetie like that. I was wearing this fabulous little pink dress with beaded pearls from Zimmerman…”
    “Fascinating thanks Kat, now if you don’t mind I’ll get on with it,” Arabella said between gritted teeth. “Now, we’ve also got a story on the new cosmetic surgery craze, Designer Vaginas, where you can have your hymen surgically reconstructed if you want to be a virgin again, or just have your labia fixed up or whatever. Next to that we’ll have a feel-good, positive body image article called ‘Love your Body, Love Yourself: You’re perfect as you are!’ So, all that’s great and really aspirational but I think we’re missing a good sex story. So girls, what shall we write about?
    For a second the silence was deafening, and then Kat suggested something like ‘103 ways to have a better orgasm tonight’ or ‘642 ways to drive him crazy in bed’.
    "Oh God, no!" Arabella shrieked. "Yuck, awful, sorry Kat that's far too white trash, leave those stories to rags like MetroGirl. Come on, what about the rest of you?”
    With perfect eyebrows raised expectantly, she looked around the room at each of us in turn, waiting for our flow of brilliant and original ideas.
    “Erm, how about something on the G spot?” said Mandy desperately.
    “God no, I couldn’t bear to read another story on the bloody G spot!” Arabella said. “Perhaps I’d feel differently if I could find my own. But I can’t -- and don’t think I haven’t bloody looked -- so if I can’t use mine I’m not going to worry about anyone else’s.”
    Never one to mince words, Arabella would reveal the most intimate details of her sex life without batting a false eyelash but would need to be tortured with a cattle prod before admitting to enjoying reality TV.
    “Top ten blowjob tips from celebrities?” I offered, recollecting my conversation with Frannie the Alco-dom queen
    “Not bad Darl, the celebrity element gives it potential, but we did something similar quite recently so let’s revisit it in another couple of months.”
    I tried again. “Well, what about something on how great masturbation is? But obviously we"d do it tastefully," I added even though we all knew taste was a not a priority. "It’s a few months since we talked about the good old Finger Fandango, maybe it’s time to bang on again about how it’s normal and healthy and if you’re not doing it, you’re weird.”
    “Yes!” Exclaimed Arabella. “And that way we can get some hefty advertising from one of the big sex shop chains in return for throwing in a few photos of their most expensive vibrators.”
    “Do you think we could get them to send us a few freebie vibrators at the office?” asked Mands. “The dog got hold of mine the other day, he must’ve thought it was a big bone because he chewed it for about three hours then buried it in the garden. The gardener got a helluva shock when he came round to prune the azaleas.”
    “We"d better get some bloody freebies out of it Mandy,” said Naomi. "Talk to the girls in advertising about it. And tell them to get some of those butterfly clitoral stimulators and some edible massage oils as well chucked our way as well.”
    “Darl, do you have time to write the masturbation story?” Arabella asked, making out like she was really asking me a question but no one in the room had any doubt that it was a decree.
    “Sure, no problem. When do you need it by?”
    “Next Monday will be fine. And get some case studies, you know the kind of thing, beautiful, 20-something girls who’ll talk about how masturbating changed their life, or saved their sex