The Weight of Love Read Online Free PDF Page A

us a few times.
    I’m slowly wo rking my way toward the hallway to the two bedrooms and Jeremy looks like he doesn’t know where to be.
    “It was nice.” My response is pretty non-committal, just like I seem to be.
    “Hey!” Tom puts enthusiasm into his voice even at a whisper level.
    “Thanks you two, I’m going to go check on Bridger.” I start toward the hall.
    “I just came from there.” Tom looks down at me as he walks by and toward Jeremy.
    “But he never falls asleep like that.” I stop before walking around the corner. I’m scrambling on ways to get everyone to leave without being rude.
    “Well ,” Kyla pulls me into a hug, “you must be exhausted.”
    “Yeah.” I can feel my shoulders and chest relax as I realize that she’s getting everyone out for me.
    “ I’ll call you.” Jeremy waves with a big smile on his face.
    “Okay. Yeah. Great.” I nod. I don’t want to discourage him, but I don’t know that I want to encourage him either. This sucks. It wasn’t a good idea. I’m not ready.
    Tom puts his arm over his shoulders and the guys walk out together.
    “So?” Kyla leans toward me.
    “I have no idea. He tried to kiss me.” The whole thing feels overwhelming, but it shouldn’t. It was just an attempt at a small kiss and dinner. That should be no big deal. But it feels huge, like a huge deal. I’m not sure what to do with that.
    “Tried?” She raises an eyebrow. “Meaning you stopped him?”
    “I just…” M y emotions hit me hard. Heavy. This isn’t what I should be feeling. I should be feeling excitement. How much do I not even realize was taken from me with Matt’s death? My chin starts to quiver and I suck in a breath in an attempt to stop it.
    “Hey. It’s okay.” Kyla puts her tiny arms around me. “It’ll come.”
    “I’m not so sure.” I’m wiping tears as I step away from her. It’s not often that I cry anymore, not like the first few months where I only held it together while Bridger was awake.
    “It will.” She rubs my arm a few times. “I promise.”
    “You can promise no such thing,” I tease.
    “Whatever, Jaycee.” She starts toward the door. “I need to go catch up to that hubby of mine. Call me if you need anything.”
    “Thanks, again.” I wave as she dashes out the front door.
    Fear runs through me that I’ll just be broken forever.
    I tiptoe down the hall to check on Bridger. My hand slides carefully across his forehead. He’s fine. My chest relaxes, allowing my breathing to return to normal. I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath. Now I need to do something about sleep.
    I sit on the couch, close my eyes, and imagine Matt sitting next to me. I haven’t done this in forever. It’s generally more torture than it’s worth for a few brief moments of relief. I lean my head against the back of the couch, but I can’t even pretend he’s here, not really. The house feels too empty. There’s no warmth from the seat next to me, no large shoulder to lean my head on. No hand to rest mine in. He’s just gone, and it still feels empty, which brings me back to my earlier fear that I’ll simply be broken forever.
    I pull my knees up, slide the afghan off the back of the couch and lean into the corner. Maybe I’ll just sleep out here again. Sometimes it’s easier to sleep on the couch rather than the bed we used to share. After two years, I shouldn’t still feel this way, but I’m too afraid to let it go. Letting it go will be letting the last bits of Matt go, and I don’t think I can do that to him. Not yet.

     
     
    4
    ELDER WORTHEN
    18 months, 6 months to go
     
    I normally have interesting conversations with people I meet while traveling from area to area, but I’m tired. As soon as I buckle into my seat on the plane, I close my eyes and lean against the outside wall. Another new companion. Another new area. Palmer this time. I’ve been all up Southeast Alaska since I got here. Everyone tells me I’ll love Palmer, but