The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability Read Online Free PDF Page B

disability as part of that, and seeing all that in their attitudes, voice, actions makes me feel even sexier.
    Taking Care of Ourselves
    Our bodies are where self-esteem, desire, and sexuality come together. The more attention we pay to our needs, the better we are able to take care of ourselves. This can only have a positive impact on our sexuality.
    When I was younger I really struggled with issues related to my disability sexuality, and especially incontinence. I remember having a relationship with someone who had never been with someone with a disability — it was new for both of us. I was so fearful about telling him that occasionally when I get sexually excited, I pee. I felt badly about my body and that I couldn't always "control" it. He kept telling me it was okay and that I didn't need to worry But it took a long time before I believed him. Years later I still catch myself struggling with this, even though I've had some successful relationships since then. You're just not sure how the other person is going to react even though you know that regardless of how they react, that fear still gets in the way.
    I still run around some days, work too hard, get too upset at little things, all of which I know will lead to fatigue at the end of the day, which may trigger my pinched occipital nerve. Yet I persist. Until I'm willing to say that I need to take care of myself, that I can't do things either like I used to or like I see other people can, until I get

    DESIRE AND SELF-ESTEEM • 25
    to that point I just increase the chances that I'll have a flare-up of pain. It's okay to make a choice about that, to say to my self, 'Well, I really want to do this and I want to do it all-out, and tomorrow I'll pay for it." But to do all that because I "forgot" that I shouldn't is a different thing.
    How do we begin to challenge all the messages that are out there about living with a disability and having sex, having a sexuality, just believing that we are 'hot'? Through the process of individual change, we can challenge beliefs and have the opportunity to see things in different ways. Making a personal inventory of those messages we have put into our own belief system is a good way to start. The more we have a chance to see how "ableist" messages have personally affected us, the more we are able to nurture our own inner resources, strengths, and values. This is not to say that the following strategies are easy (we know this from our own experiences), but with practice there will be opportunities to shift how we think about ourselves.
    Exercises
    1. Make a list of all the things you could say after the words "I am...." Consider writing them down or saying them out loud. Some of these things will be individual characteristics, such as "I am a belly dancer" or "I am an avid reader." For those that are not related directly to sexuality, think about whether they have an impact on who you are as a sexual being.
    Make a second list of the groups you feel others have put you in. Think about the subtle and not so subtle ways other people's assumptions can impact the way you both think and feel about yourself. Then indicate which groups you feel you fit into, and add any that aren't on the list that you have made.
    2. Make a list of the qualities that you value most about yourself and others. Now make a second list of qualities you wish you didn't have, and a third list of the things that people around you expect of

    you. Think about people in your life whom you admire. In what ways do you think the qualities you have listed have contributed to their self-esteem?
    3. Get in touch with the disability or chronic health-related organizations that are supposed to be serving your needs. It might be the local American Cancer Society chapter, or your nearest center for independent living. Most organizations have acknowledged that they can't address just one aspect of who you are and hope to effect real change or support. So call or write, get someone's