The True Tale of the Monster Billy Dean Read Online Free PDF

away under a loos floreboard under the bed. It was a secret only for myself. I stil hav it now. I see how I made meny mistayks in putting it together. This is understandabl for I was just a boy who cudnt rede & cudnt rite.
    I no now what it says tho ther are stil parts of it that are beyond my ken.
    I copy it here now.
    At the top ar the first 2 things he rote the things he scribbld fast & hard.
    First is
    YOU ARE A MONSTER, BILLY DEAN.
    Then
    AND SHE IS A STUPID FILTHY TART.
    Then come the the words he rote in slowness after the storm of anga had dyd down.
    And I am the black-souled Wilfred Grace, your father. And I have hidden you away. Perhaps I should have brought you out that first morning when the fires burned and the walls still tumbled and the wailing and weeping echoed through the streets. Perhaps I should have held you up and said, “Look! A child is born at the moment of death. See how the world is immediately revived. See how the forces of destruction are instantly dispelled.”
    But I did not. I was weak.
    I asked myself did I want a child of mine to be carried out into such a dreadful world? I told myself that growing you in isolation from the world would protect you from the forces of evil. I convinced myself that you would become a sacred thing because of it. Ha! I even told myself that you had been saved for some great purpose. I see how even now I dissemble, how I try to justify my sin. Hear how I lie. The truth is sordid, Billy. The truth like most truth is banal. I had seduced an innocent, your mother, and I dreaded the discovery of my sin. All my actions have been born of lust and the abuse of power and of cowardice. And of curiosity. Imagine that. I was curious to see how a human creature — you, my son — would grow in such conditions. What did I imagine? That it would produce some kind of saint, some kind of angel, some kind of transcendent being?
    Ha. Often I dreamed a simple dream that you would simply die here in your little hidden room, that you would fade away as if you had hardly been here at all, that the dust would gather on you, that the walls would finally fall on you, that you would be wrapped into the ruins of Blinkbonny. When I woke, this seemed the best of all dreams, the most perfect. But the force of life is strong in you, my son. And you are well mothered.
    Once we had set out on our chosen course, that course quickly became ordinary, commonplace.
    Oh, how easily we fall into the pathways forged by sin. How quickly we forget that there could be any other way. Oh, how smoothly we slither down into Purgatory and find a kind of comfort in being there.
    Time keeps passing. You keep growing. I say that I will do something, and I keep on doing nothing. I continue to tell myself that I am protecting you from the world of war and waste. I tell myself that I am defending your soul. I tell myself that I am preparing you for some kind of sanctity. But it is myself, Wilfred Grace, that I protect.
    The life of your mother, Veronica, has also been purloined by me. I have never loved her, Billy. I have only lusted for her body, for her weakness, for the way she abandons herself to me, for the way she calls out my name as she lies helplessly beneath me on her dusty bed.
    I know that I should release you both but I am cowardly and weak. I am beyond contempt, beyond all hope. My soul indeed is black as night. I am in Hell.
    O Billy, I am filled with dread. I fear that death is the only way out and that I will murder you both. That dread is also my desire. And each time I come here the desire is stronger.
    Soon I fear that I will be unable to resist.
    I am like a god who has created a world that he has come to detest, a world that he wishes to destroy.
    I must not abandon myself to this desire. I must go away. I must not return. But I love you, Billy Dean. Despite myself I love you. I cannot leave you. In another world, in other circumstances, I would have been the best of all fathers. Yes. I would