The Tao of Martha Read Online Free PDF Page B

my own head, so I definitely want to add crafting to the mix.
    Finally, and because I love a challenge, I want to conquer an X factor, meaning a yet-unnamed category. During the course of this project, I hope to blaze my own path in some activity. I’d like to see if there’s some tiny niche that Martha hasn’t yet conquered, and if so, I can take that opportunity to enlighten others.
    I can’t say what my X factor is yet, but like Justice Potter Stewart (relation to Martha? I should find out), I’ll know it when I see it.
    So take note, 2012—this is how it’s going to play out. I’m planning to up my game in every way possible. I’ll have a clean house not only on the surface, but deep down, too. Items will no longer tumble down from the farthest recesses when I open my closets. I’ll work to make my home prettier and more functional, and I’ll revel in the praise when guests notice all the welcoming touches at my frequent gatherings. I’ll find better ways to be prepared for whatever life presents next, and I’ll cap the year off with a big, festive, handcrafted Christmas.
    This is going to be great!
    And maybe while I’m at this whole process, I’ll discover something entirely new. Perhaps I’ll figure out more about who I am, or possibly I’ll have some kind of epiphany about the Living philosophy. What if there’s some greater principle that guides the whole Martha Stewart enterprise and it’s waiting for me to uncover it?
    Like, a Tao of Martha, if you will.
    Regardless of how it happens, ready or not, happiness, here I come.

L ET U S N EVER S PEAK OF T HIS A GAIN
    F ilm.
    There are rolls of film in here.
    Yet I haven’t owned a camera that required film since 2002, which means I’ve been storing rolls of film in my desk for almost ten years . What the hell am I going to do with film? Does anyone even develop film anymore? I may as well try to have my Betamax repaired, or attempt to get the cathode ray tubes replaced in my console television.
    Shameful.
    And that’s only the beginning.
    My inaugural Martha project is to clean out my desk drawers. I have a book due in two months, so I figure the best place to start is where I work. Maybe if I can establish a better sense of order, my writing will go more gooder.
    See?
    See what’s happening?
    I’m mangling words because I’m currently sitting at a desk full of old film, among so many other patently ridiculous items, the highlights of which include:
     
one flea collar, slightly used
fourteen dead batteries, in various states of oxidation
a banana hair clip
nine Sharpies, five uncapped, all dry
pistachio shells from the nuts I received in my Christmas stocking in 2008
wineglass shards
three empty rolls of Scotch tape
one FURminator (for dog shedding)
eight unmatched Barbie shoes and two Barbie hats
the orange City of Chicago violation sticker placed on my fence when my terrible landlord didn’t pay the water bill back in 2009
7,226 scraps of paper, each containing either random sums or single words like “Sockets!” that have long since lost any semblance of meaning
an entire handful of petrified pieces of Bazooka gum that I should not ever attempt to put in my mouth again (note to self—call dentist re: loose filling)
a free-range piece of Silly Putty, studded with something grainy (pistachio salt?)
an ancient flip phone as well as a charger to the BlackBerry I haven’t seen since 2006
my wedding video as well as the VHS recording of my Supervision 101 class presentation in 1991 (I’m keeping these)
two screwdrivers, both Phillips-head, one covered in unknown goo
three sets of cat nail clippers
my business cards from the company that laid me off in 2001
an ATM card from when I had a bank account with X.com in the dot-com days
fifteen Kleenex, in various stages of disrepair
a note card I passed to my friend Stacey at our friend Sarah Pekkanen’s book signing that reads: Remind me to tell you about the dream I had where I was pregnant and