The Story of God Read Online Free PDF

talking to my angels,” God decided. Yes, that was it, he was talking to his angels.
    But there was another question: Why didn’t God want the humans to join together and build a great city? What was wrong with that? Why did he want to split them all up and make them turn on each other? It took him a minute to understand—but then he suddenly did. “Oh,” he exclaimed, “of course. It’s because I don’t like most humans.” (God had actually begunto think that the new tribe he had created to give Cain a wife had been rushed and was a bit shoddy: “Not my best work.”) “In fact,” God continued, “I only like one tiny group of people that doesn’t even technically even exist yet, but soon will! In fact, I will basically only like one man for quite awhile. As for the rest of mankind, I don’t care what happens to them.” In his heart, God had to admit that the people he didn’t like … well, they didn’t seem to like him much either; in truth, they didn’t even seem to believe he existed. There was no way he was going to spend any of his valuable time and energy on those idiots. The one group of people he was going to like, the ones who would love and obey him—he didn’t want them mixed with the others. They would be special. They would be his chosen ones. He would protect them at times, punish them when necessary (which would be a lot, as it turns out!)
    As for the rest, the ones who didn’t love him? To sheol with them! To have created the entire universe and everything in it, including every single human being, and then to not even be believed in? That was infuriating to God. Worse, beyond disbelieving, these idiots had the gall to make up other,
nonexistent
gods! They chose to believe in fictional gods rather than him! “Baal,” for instance, was a made-up god that many humans (insanely) chose to believe in. “Baal” was supposedly a “fun, sexy” god—“unlike repressed, rigid
real
-God-me, I suppose!” God fumed.
    â€œWhy are humans so weak and foolish and needy that they fall for false gods?” God demanded, before stopping himself, not liking that question very much. If Baal
was
real—which, to repeat, he wasn’t—but if he was, God felt that he would have been terribly vain, in love with his own supposed “desirability.” God loathed the very idea of Baal’s self-love, not to mention his obsession with sex. “Sex sex sex, that’s all this made-up prick cares about!” God muttered to himself.
    God found himself feeling very angry and upset about this; So much so, in fact, that a series of events, frankly, worrisomeones, occurred. God preferred not to think too much about this series of events, choosing to chalk them up to too much wine. “I was simply not myself,” God told himself.
    In his heart, however, this disturbing series of events would eat away at him for the next few thousand years.

Chapter Seven
    Once again, God needed a man to get things going. He looked all over the one small area of the earth that was interesting to him. (Not only was the rest of the universe boring to God, but 98% of earth was too!) Finally, he found a man named Abram. (“Before long, I will add two letters to his name,” God thought to himself. “That’s how much I like him!”) God spoke to Abram, who then started to travel around, claiming the land that God told him to in the very words God suggested: “God, the creator of the universe, gave us this land, forever.” (Gen. 13:15) Astoundingly, some of the other tribes didn’t accept this. (“They don’t believe in
me,
why would they accept my words?” whispered that awful little critical voice in God’s head.)
    Abram, his wife, Sarah (who wasn’t so bad for a woman, God noted), and their slaves (God had zero problem with slavery, obviously) (Gen. 12:5) went