The Secrets We Left Behind Read Online Free PDF Page A

through. Like this.’ I bunched the sleeve up with both hands then gently reached
inside the cuff with my fingers and guided Toby’s hand through.
    Hannah looked tearful. ‘Why didn’t I think of that? I’m so crap at this.’
    ‘No, you’re not.’ I put my arms around her. ‘You’re doing fine. There’s no reason you’d know to do that unless somebody told you. An Italian lady I used
to work for showed me how to do it when you were tiny; someone else probably showed
her
.’
    She sighed again.
    ‘Come on, sweetheart. You can’t know everything from the word go, you learn as you go along.’
    She nodded but didn’t look at me. Nor did she make any move to pick Toby up.
    ‘I wish you’d let me do more to help.’ ‘You could take him in the sling, if you like.’ She knew that wasn’t what I meant, but still. ‘Come along, my
little pickle.’ I stretched my arms out to lift him and I held him against my chest while Hannah sorted out the complicated wrap-around carrier. Then she clipped Monty’s lead on and we
set off .
    It was dark now, and we walked in companionable silence, breaking it only occasionally to comment on a pretty Christmas tree in a window, or an over-the-top display of lights. Monty paused every
few metres to sniff at something interesting beneath the snow or to lift his leg against a tree. We turned into the narrow walkway that took us alongside the Porter Brook to the General Cemetery, a
high stone wall on one side and the snow-covered bank leading down to the water on the other. The soft orange light from the lamp-posts spilled across the snow, giving the scene a slightly
Dickensian feel. It started to snow again as we walked up through the cemetery towards the ruined church where we stopped for a moment to watch the flakes falling against a backdrop of ancient
headstones and holly trees, complete with berries. I was conscious of the warm nugget of Toby against my chest. It was so quiet, all I could hear was the sound of Monty snuffling in the snow.
‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ I said, but as we stood there watching the silent snow settling like a quilt around us, I was aware of a sudden feeling of desolation. Here I was
with my daughter and my new grandson, about to go back to a warm house and a husband who loved me, and yet I felt as though a cold, black fog had enveloped me; the awful sense that nothing was
safe. What if I lost all this? What if it was all taken away? I looked over my shoulder and back towards the church, but everything looked the same. Why then, did I feel so unsettled?

CHAPTER FOUR
    While Hannah and I were out with the baby on Boxing Day, Duncan and Marcus had cooked up the idea of a small New Year’s Eve gathering. I wasn’t much of a party
person, but I found I was enjoying myself, and having lots of friends and family around made up for not being able to celebrate my real birthday. For my fake fiftieth, Duncan took me to Edinburgh;
a boutique hotel with an enormous bed, luxury toiletries and fluffy white bathrobes. We did the touristy things – a whisky-tasting, a guided literary walk, a ride in an open-topped bus, and
then a meal in a restaurant where the food was so beautiful we weren’t sure whether to eat it or admire it. He said I looked fabulous, that he could hardly believe I was fifty; then he gave
me a pair of pearl earrings and told me that marrying me was the best thing he’d ever done. I had to turn away then; I felt nothing short of treacherous. Duncan was a good man, and, although
I tried to be a better person these days, I knew I didn’t deserve him.
    Hannah was talking to our old friends Marina and Paul. She still had dark circles under her eyes, but she’d put on some make-up, and she was dressed in a purple cable-knit jumper over a
green miniskirt with purple tights and black suede boots; she looked a lot better. Marina held her arms out to take the baby and Hannah obliged, then came over to us. ‘Bloody hell,’