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earth I should say here. As if reading my mind, Sachi said, “You don’t have to answer. It’s not a question I’m putting to you. I know I’m not your first choice.”
    There. She’d done it again. Putting it all out there so fast and so boldly that she didn’t give anyone else a chance to catch up or make a decision of their own. I started to get mad. How could she put me in this position? There was nothing I could say that would give me time to think. Anything I said would only confirm or deny; hurt or give hope for something I wasn’t ready to promise.
    The pressure of the situation added to all the stress that I was already carrying and overwhelmed me. “We aren’t even friends!!” I blurted. Then I covered my mouth and ran for it.
     

Chapter 11
    Tears
    …
     
    I was still crying when Leann got home.
    She dropped her bag and came running over to hug me. “Mina! Are you okay?”
    “You were my first kiss you know.”
    “Of course I was. We were thirteen.” She said with a bewildered laugh. “But I’m pretty sure that’s not why you are crying now.”
    “It was amazing. I thought it was going to last forever.”
    “Oh.”
    “And then you moved away. I thought that if I wrote enough letters you’d come back one day. And I know that’s just a child’s day dream but…but…”
    “I’m going to miss too. It was really hard back then and it isn’t much easier now.”
    “Will you kiss me again?”
    “Mina…” Leann looked reluctant. “We said we wouldn’t because it won’t last. You’re going home. I’m staying here.”
    “That doesn’t matter!” I said bitterly “You kiss everyone! And more. Your phone is filled with girl’s phone numbers. You aren’t going to be with them forever either. Why not me?”
    Leann wiped the tears from my cheeks.” Okay”. She whispered “okay.”
    Taking me by the hand she led me back to her room; the same room where we sat around gossiping and painting our toenails. It was still a mess. Clothes spilled out of the closet and it was completely unclear what was dirty and what was clean. Her bed spread was crumpled up at the foot of the bed and the sheets were tangled from the night before. I tiptoed carefully behind her but still managed to step on something. It cracked loudly and Leann looked back at me chagrinned, “I’m sorry. I know it’s a mess.”  Suddenly I was laughing even though the tears weren’t even dry on my cheeks.
    “This place is more than a mess. It’s a wreck. A complete wreck. I’m a wreck.”
    Leann stood there awkwardly waiting. Waiting to give me whatever it was I thought I needed. What an amazing friend. A heartbreakingly perfect best friend. And that’s all. I couldn’t make love to her. I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. Languages can be so limiting at times like this. I shook my head and smiled. Leann received my message loud and clear. She shot me a relieved lopsided grin. We climbed into her ridiculously messy bed anyway, and slept like sisters. Leann wrapped her arms around me and at last I let go of my first love.
    In the morning, I felt lighter. All the tears from the night before had left me feeling renewed and, even though my leaving date hadn’t changed, it didn’t weigh on me so heavily. I thought about calling Sachi. I felt bad about how we had left things the night before. I snuck out of Leann’s room and scooped my phone up off the kitchen counter. Rolling it around in my hands I tried to think of what I would say.
    The truth was, I was still in the same predicament that Sachi had put me in last night. If I called her to apologize I would be accepting her into my life. You don’t call up strangers to say I’m sorry. You call up people who have some place in your world. I pictured how the call would go.  I would say sorry. She would say that’s okay. Then…an uncomfortable silence. One of us might say ‘see you soon’ and that was it. She would wait for me. We would be involved.
    I