The Reginald Perrin Omnibus Read Online Free PDF Page B

it is?’
    ‘Well of course it is,’ said Tom.
    ‘Don’t be absurd, father,’ said Linda.
    The car shuddered several times and stalled. Steam was pouring from the bonnet.
    ‘It’s over-heated,’ said Tom helpfully.
    ‘Thank you, Stirling Moss,’ said Reggie.
    A cloud passed all too rapidly over the sun. Beyond the trees, to the west, were the villages of Nether Hartcliffe, Upper Hartcliffe, and Hartcliffe St Waldron.
    ‘Those lions are pathetic,’ said Reggie. ‘I’ve seen livelier lions in Trafalgar Square.’
    ‘Trafalgar Square,’ said Adam.
    ‘Faggar square,’ said Jocasta.
    ‘I’m not basically a lion person,’ said Tom. ‘And neither is Lindypoos.’
    ‘If I was a lion I don’t think I’d entertain this mob,’ said Reggie. ‘I mean it’s pathetic. The lengths we have to go to to stop people dying of boredom.’
    ‘It stops the lions dying too,’ said Linda.
    The car in front moved on.
    ‘Have we seen enough?’ said Reggie.
    It seemed that they had seen enough.
    He pressed the starter. Nothing happened. He tried again and again.
    ‘Damn. Damn. Damn,’ he said.
    ‘Don’t go on,’ said Elizabeth. ‘You’ll only flat the battery.’
    The car behind started hooting again.
    ‘Ignore him,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Cars that won’t start, lions that won’t move, bloody hell,’ said Reggie.
    Inside the car it grew hotter – and hotter – and hotter.
    ‘I don’t see why we shouldn’t open a window a little,’ said Linda.
    They opened a window a little. Jocasta began to cry in earnest.
    ‘Wet botty,’ said Adam, and he too began to cry.
    ‘You see, Adam,’ said Linda. ‘Perhaps daddy was right. Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea after all.’
    Reggie tried the engine again. It wouldn’t start.
    ‘It’s no use,’ said Elizabeth. ‘You have to sound the horn and wait for the white hunter.’
    ‘Rubbish,’ said Reggie. ‘I’m getting out to have a look.’
    ‘Is that altogether wise?’ said Tom, in estate agents’ language for ‘you bloody fool’.
    ‘The damned animals are probably doped,’ said Reggie. ‘And if you don’t like it you can put it in your briar pipe, stick a cork in your mouth, stuff a bulb of garlic up your arse and drown yourself in your own nettle wine,’ and he opened the door and stepped out into a world blessedly innocent of sweat and poopy-plops.
    ‘Come back, you fool!’ said Tom.
    Reggie walked towards the lions. A few yards from the car there was a hollow tree trunk. He stood on it and glared defiantly at the two lions. They watched him with bored, slightly puzzled eyes.
    He heard a car horn hooting, and Elizabeth called out ‘Come back!’
    One of the lions stirred slightly.
    He was Goofy Perrin, butt of Ruttingstagg College. He was younger brother Perrin, always a bit of a disappointment compared to Nigel. He was family man, father, man of a thousand compromises. He was company man. He was a man who had given his best years to puddings.
    He walked slowly up the hill, over the spongy grass, towards the lions. One of the Hartcliffe estate cars was rushing towards him, but he didn’t hear it.
    One of the lions stood up. The other lion growled. Suddenly everything was confusion. The lions were moving towards him, he turned and fled, there was a frantic chorus of car horns, Elizabeth was running towards him. He looked over his shoulder. One of the lions crumpled up and collapsed lifeless on the ground.
    Reggie tripped over the hollow tree trunk. Screams. Horns. Elizabeth’s white face and imploring hands reaching down towards him. Behind him the other lion, gathering speed. Reggie was no longer family man. No longer company man. No longer educated Western man. He was lunch, red meat ripe for the ripping.
    He was half on his feet again, scrambling away from the lion. The lion was only a few feet away. Elizabeth was pulling him away, he didn’t want to die. The lion seemed to hang for a moment, motionless, waiting to pounce. And then it