The Reginald Perrin Omnibus Read Online Free PDF

come from ants’ eggs.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘Why lines lines?’ said Jocasta.
    ‘Why am I me?’ said Adam.
    ‘Why I me?’ said Jocasta.
    ‘Shut up,’ said Reggie.
    ‘Reggie!’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Father, please. I must ask you not to speak to them like that,’ said Linda.
    The children shut up.
    The line of cars moved forward another ten yards, then stopped.
    ‘Are you sure the children can’t get at those windows?’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Don’t nag, mother,’ said Linda.
    It was growing hotter all the time. Rivulets of sweat were running down inside Reggie’s vest and pants, and the non-stick wheel-glove Adam had given him for Christmas was getting horribly sticky. The car smelt of sweat, garlic, children and hot engine. Jocasta began to cry.
    They passed a fat lazy jaguar. The jaguar animal stared at a Jaguar car without recognition of brotherhood.
    ‘I done biggies,’ said Adam proudly. ‘I done biggies.’
    ‘I’ve done biggies,’ corrected Elizabeth.
    ‘Let them talk as they want to, mother,’ said Linda.
    ‘They should be helped to speak correctly. They may want jobs with the BBC one day,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Please, mother, it is up to us,’ said Linda.
    ‘Yes. We don’t count these days,’ said Reggie.
    ‘It’s just that we have our own ways of bringing up the children,’ said Tom. ‘We try as far as possible to treat them not as children, but as tiny adults.’
    ‘Oh shut up, you bearded prig,’ said Reggie.
    ‘Reggie!’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘No,’ said Linda grimly. ‘If father feels like that, it’s best that he should get it out of his system.’
    ‘I done poopy-plops in my panties,’ said Adam.
    ‘Yes,’ said Tom. ‘And I wonder if you really think that was a good idea, Adam. It’s going to get a bit uncomfortable for you later on, you know.’
    ‘For God’s sake!’ said Reggie. ‘This is supposed to be an outing.’
    ‘I think on reflection the game reserve wasn’t a very good idea,’ said Tom.
    ‘Oh, thank you. That’s very helpful,’ said Reggie.
    The cars in front moved on a few yards.
    ‘Move on, darling,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘I’ll move on when people start enjoying themselves,’ said Reggie. ‘All right. I shouldn’t have brought you here. I’m a failure. Everything I plan’s a failure. But we’re here now – and I’m not moving on until you bloody well start enjoying yourselves.’
    The car behind started hooting. Reggie wound down the window.
    ‘Shut up!’ he shouted.
    ‘Stop making a spectacle of us,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Yes, you hate that, don’t you?’ Reggie turned round and gave two fingers to the driver in the car behind.
    ‘Father, not in front of the children,’ said Linda.
    ‘They aren’t children. They’re tiny adults,’ said Reggie.
    ‘Well not in front of the tiny adults then,’ said Linda.
    ‘Please, darling, move on,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Not till you enjoy yourselves.’
    ‘We are,’ said Linda. ‘We’re enjoying ourselves very much.’
    ‘It’s interesting,’ said Tom. ‘It’s sociologically fascinating.’
    ‘It’s a marvellous outing,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Oh all right,’ said Reggie angrily.
    He took the clutch off too quickly and the car stalled.
    ‘Oh blast the bloody thing. I hate cars. I hate bloody machines,’ said Reggie.
    He started up again, drove off very fast and came to a halt violently a few inches from the car in front. Jocasta began to cry again. Nobody spoke.
    ‘Look. There are the lions,’ said Elizabeth at last.
    ‘Look. Lions,’ said Linda.
    Two mangy lions were lying listlessly on the grass. They looked sheepish, as though they knew they were out of place. More a shame of lions than a pride.
    ‘Look at the nice lions,’ said Elizabeth.
    ‘Please don’t anthropomorphize,’ said Tom. ‘Lions aren’t nice. We want the children to grow up to see reality as it is.’
    ‘Ah, but is it?’ said Reggie, turning to look Tom in the face.
    ‘Is what?’
    ‘Is reality as