The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Online Free PDF Page B

New York City).
    There’s a good reason Spam is so popular among rednecks. You can fix it more ways than Forrest Gump can fix shrimp, with the comforting knowledge that Spam never wriggled around like them creepy little shrimps do.
    The label on a Spam can won’t tell you exactly what’s inside, but that’s only because the makers are afraid their tasty secret recipe will get out and cheap foreign imitations will come pouring into the country.
    Now, you’ve got to be aware that Spam ain’t no diet food. Every can contains ninety-six grams of fat. So if your kids are porking up, switch to Spam Lite—which has a mere forty-eight fat grams.
    Spam—the unofficial state vegetable of Georgia—can be prepared so many ways it’s unbelievable. Here’s a sample menu of Annie’s daily meals at our house:
    Breakfast —Cut a can of Spam into quarter-inch slices, slap them in the skillet, and fry until they’re turning crispy. Throw in some eggs, fry sunny side up until the edges are brown, and dump the Spam and eggs on your young’uns’ plates.
    Don’t forget that every redneck family’s breakfast table has to have a giant jar of apple butter on it. In Tennessee, some parents have been arrested for child neglect because they forgot the apple butter.
    And you’ve got to have hot biscuits and real butter for breakfast—plus a jar of ketchup for the rowdy boys who like to make their Spam look fresh killed.
    Dinner (which Yankees call “lunch”)—Make some cold Spam sandwiches with Wonder Bread, cheap mayonnaise, lettuce, and tomatoes. Serve with grape Kool-Aid.
    Supper (“dinner”)—Finely chop two cans of Spam and mash all the meat together with two eggs (take off the shells first), four ripped-up slices of bread, a chopped onion, and a big bunch of ketchup. Whack the pile into a loaf shape with a big wooden spoon and bake the thing until it’s brown on top.
    Serve the Spam loaf with canned green beans—Luck’s brand if you can get ’em—and mashed potatoes made from scratch.
    If you parents would sometimes like to have a romantic dinner at home after getting the kids to bed, light a little birthday candle on the table and treat the two of you to a couple of fine wine coolers.
    Outside Dinin’
    Never go to a restaurant that doesn’t offer a “value” meal. And if it doesn’t have a drive-through window, keep on driving until you find one that does.
    Set-down restaurants always cost twice as much (unless it’s Denny’s). And if the menu’s got a fancy tassel hanging from it, add ten dollars per person per tassel inch.
    Here’s another way to spot expensive restaurants: The name is always misspelled. Never chow down at a place that’s got Ristorante or Centre or Olde on the sign outside. You’re bound to be overcharged—because if these people can’t spell, they sure can’t add your bill right.
    Rufus McKinney learned the hard way about arm-and-a-leg restaurants. When he drove his family up to Ohio to see his wife’s cousin four years ago, he decided to live it up and took them to a highfalutin French restaurant. Big mistake.
    Rufus says his kids pigged out on dujour soup and whores devours, and the bill was more than his whole weekly paycheck from the egg-packing plant!
    The poor man had to have a Happy Meal to cheer up. (Come to think of it, why does McDonald’s have a Happy Meal, but Burger King has a cross san’wich?)
    You’re more apt to get good prices and good food at a truck stop. Or a restaurant that’s got a sign saying Buses Welcome. But be careful if all the buses in the parking lot say State Prison on the side.
    Lastly, stay clear of diners that advertise a “family atmosphere.” Hell, who wants to put up with kids screaming and grabbing food while you’re trying to eat?

Moonshine and Other Medications
    Childhood is a